tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59675222374040782662024-02-21T01:45:28.862-08:00My Mom Think's I'm PrettyThat's right, my mom thinks I'm pretty. Be jealous.LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.comBlogger132125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-84364139632858719172017-03-09T17:26:00.000-08:002017-03-09T17:26:17.436-08:00Wee woo wee wooCourtney: I have to wear a Scopolamine patch everytime I ride in an ambulance.<br />
<br />
Steeber: A what?<br />
<br />
Courtney: An am-bul-ance<br />
<br />LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-21874405938655404772017-03-09T17:21:00.000-08:002017-03-09T17:21:26.488-08:00Watch me Dole WhipLaura: So? Where is Katie getting married?<br />
Me: I don't know. I blocked it out when she told me.<br />
Laura: So. Not the Polynesian then?LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-18345746187077261622013-11-15T14:53:00.001-08:002013-11-15T14:53:16.546-08:00My little mermaid<p dir=ltr>From the ride instructions on The Voyage of the Little Mermaid at Disneyworld</p>
<p dir=ltr>Laura: ... slow moving clam shell. That was my nickname in high school</p>
LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-75425276683183067582013-11-12T11:07:00.001-08:002013-11-12T11:07:55.478-08:00#IveGottaFlipChart<p dir=ltr>Last year was the #YearOfUpgrades, which was a grand success.  I flew first class, got a new car, and valet parked anywhere and everywhere.  As this year comes to a close the big question is – what will 2014 be the year of? In talking with Laura yesterday we decided that 2014 will be the year we make our dreams come true.  That dream of course traveling around and writing funny things about those travels.  But where to begin? Laura immediately piped in that we could develop our business plan over Thanksgiving.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Laura: I’ve got a flip chart, and a projector</p>
<p dir=ltr>Me: Cause if there’s two things every successful business plan needs, it’s a flip chart and a projector. </p>
LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-37029850905324498012013-10-23T19:26:00.001-07:002013-10-23T19:26:58.566-07:00Confidence Game<p dir=ltr>Laura: Honestly I wish I had the confidence of a big gay black man wearing leather smoking a cigar. </p>
<p dir=ltr>Me: That's a lot of confidence</p>
<p dir=ltr>Laura: It's all the confidence</p>
LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-48047420849524398272013-10-23T19:24:00.001-07:002013-10-23T19:24:07.963-07:00You are NOT the father<p dir=ltr>Me: Look what I came home to on my <u>DVR</u></p>
<p dir=ltr>Nancy: So was it Billy? That dick!<br>
</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSxR9v1ECqGqobiUUOjh97gLrwI46hORzMnI4EDUjdh1d41PPc7AZRteUiLNgRlNhLGnquifBFrl7u9tfI1z1uuWuj2GFvB_5fwXES9owbvHv0GoceTtkMMzdmYNdHbKnCjW0i5vLCA24/s1600/20131023_221410.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSxR9v1ECqGqobiUUOjh97gLrwI46hORzMnI4EDUjdh1d41PPc7AZRteUiLNgRlNhLGnquifBFrl7u9tfI1z1uuWuj2GFvB_5fwXES9owbvHv0GoceTtkMMzdmYNdHbKnCjW0i5vLCA24/s640/20131023_221410.jpg"> </a> </div>LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-34663259270064748972013-09-24T15:52:00.001-07:002013-09-24T15:52:22.666-07:00All the Single Ladies<p dir=ltr>Laura: There's a groupon for a black diamond ring<br>
Me: perfect. I'll forward it to my fiance<br>
Laura: good plan<br>
Me: do groupon's expire?<br>
Laura: yes, just like single ladies</p>
LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-56320779293284851222013-06-17T07:19:00.001-07:002013-06-17T07:19:34.087-07:00President Tyler?<p dir=ltr>After exiting the "Hall of Presidents"</p>
<p dir=ltr>Michelle: Dude, I counted like 5 Presidents I've never even heard of.</p>
LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-228244818613575812013-04-10T11:07:00.001-07:002013-04-10T11:07:11.586-07:00When the cable goes out<p dir=ltr>Michele: I feel like I'm living in prehistoric times... but with instagram.</p>
LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-15841296986709287752013-03-16T18:48:00.001-07:002013-03-16T18:48:12.556-07:00To dream or not to dreamMe: I dreamt I was dating Nick Zano<br />
Laura: don't do that<br />
Me: I'll do my best to stay away from him. No Bynes sloppy seconds for me.<br />
Laura: That's how you get lupus.LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-18555664511648069282013-01-07T16:05:00.001-08:002013-01-07T16:07:26.292-08:00My mothers daughter<p dir=ltr>Step 1. Remove pot off stove. (Forget to turn off burner)<br>
Step 2. Remove Pyrex dish out of oven, and place on burner<br>
Step 3. Wait for it<br>
Step 4. Pyrex explodes (see picture)</p>
<p dir=ltr>Step 5. Let hot glass cool before picking up<br>
Step 6. Discover hot glass will melt on carpet as it cools<br>
Step 7. Break vacuum trying to clean up tiny bits of glass.</p>
<p dir=ltr>Shopping list for tomorrow<br>
1 vacuum<br>
1 kitchen rug<br>
1 Pyrex dish<br>
1 swiffer wet get (just in case)</p>
<p dir=ltr>UPDATE<br>
Resived shopping list: subtitle, What I really bought</p>
<p dir=ltr>1 vacuum<br>
2 decorative pillows<br>
1 roll of aluminum foil</p>
<p dir=ltr>Shopping list for tomorrow<br>
1 rug (not from target)<br>
1 small burner for electric stove (current burnner has glass stuck to it)<br>
1 Pyrex dish</p>
<div class='separator' style='clear: both; text-align: center;'> <a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWLdkqBGX5dPPB-OTnMFvO6yn-PB_KZL-JTZ1I7mF0xX0-hlmbdNoGNUGB8zYXTiC6EpBY3Scg5BPnYoA9hPMpA9BPnazU_9m5lCjODWxVQu-8qpUd_-8aL3ffDFG0Oew0IBe6Z_ZVMws/s1600/20130106_172120.jpg' imageanchor='1' style='margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;'> <img border='0' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWLdkqBGX5dPPB-OTnMFvO6yn-PB_KZL-JTZ1I7mF0xX0-hlmbdNoGNUGB8zYXTiC6EpBY3Scg5BPnYoA9hPMpA9BPnazU_9m5lCjODWxVQu-8qpUd_-8aL3ffDFG0Oew0IBe6Z_ZVMws/s640/20130106_172120.jpg' /> </a> </div>LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-42173163432913546712012-12-05T11:43:00.001-08:002012-12-05T11:43:14.862-08:0088 mphme: my iPod keeps playing Nine Inch Nails and Elliot Smith in rotation. i think it's trying to tell me something<br />
<br />
Jason: That you should go back to 1997.LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-28400749853181648312012-10-25T06:07:00.001-07:002012-10-25T06:07:11.938-07:00Death and Taxes... <div><p>Me: so....<br>
Coworker: uh oh, this must be serious!<br>
Me: Clark Kent quit his job at the Daily Planet<br>
Coworker: WTF?<br>
Me: I know. Pretty irresponsible to quit without having something else lined up<br>
Coworker: He's gonna start a blog. Also, you know the IRS is going to get him on RICO now and tax fraud.</p>
</div>LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-54693815280140540282012-10-12T09:10:00.001-07:002012-10-12T09:10:14.324-07:00Relations<div><p>Laura: I got drunk one night and decided to sign up for ancestry.com ...</p>
</div>LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-33274279460731626032012-10-01T13:36:00.001-07:002012-10-01T13:39:16.873-07:00The ONE time it's Lupus<div><p>Jason: I think my (self diagnosed) toxoplasmosis infection has done wonders for my introversion.</p>
<p>Me: Sometimes it's best to self diagnose</p>
<p>Jason: just remember not to use WebMD because then you'll have cancer in addition to whatever else is actually wrong</p>
<p>Laura: like the time I had a cancerous sinus infection</p>
<p>Me: or when you had that non-hodgkin's hangover</p>
<p>Laura: oh man. That was the worst. I spent my whole paycheck on radioactive Cheetos to fight that</p>
<p>Jason: thankfully it wasn't Lupus</p>
</div>LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-90554903593082138582012-09-26T19:26:00.000-07:002012-09-26T19:30:33.931-07:00When Nancy met the real Laura<br />
Picture this... me, Nancy and Laura are sitting on the couch watching the men's water polo team. You know, being patriotic. I mean look at their flags... LOOK AT THEM!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic2F_OnVkWqn3IZpyxlYjcywKttJPjXRL-bQM3cHp9PF69YhpxrFOPBDYOAR96acmI9k3Jfy8CHqZdge70KJ4iW_NOePT8gUoVDMEu1yA8zJ_bKV4bW3Ma39563bPtjMQSnqR8zK-dcA4/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic2F_OnVkWqn3IZpyxlYjcywKttJPjXRL-bQM3cHp9PF69YhpxrFOPBDYOAR96acmI9k3Jfy8CHqZdge70KJ4iW_NOePT8gUoVDMEu1yA8zJ_bKV4bW3Ma39563bPtjMQSnqR8zK-dcA4/s1600/images.jpg" /> </a></div>
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So at one point, this commercial came on... </div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/qvwQsWYa3h8?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
So I said, "Hey? Who who is that kid?", without skipping a beat Laura says, "That's Ryder."<br />
<br />
Sweet relief! Of course Laura knew who that dude was, she knows everything! But who's Ryder you might be asking (and by "you" I mean of course, Nancy, who asked from her far left seat on the couch)? <br />
<br />
Laura realizing that Nancy was in the room, and this was not a conversation between just her and I hid her head in shame. She had to admit that not only did she recognize this actor instantly, but from where. I, however, am proud of all my shameful viewing habits. Even <a href="http://mymomthinksimpretty.blogspot.com/2011/09/whos-boss.html" target="_blank">Melissa and Joey</a>.<br />
<br />
Laura had to explain A#1. That he was an actor from M&J, B#2. That she watched that show and C. That she watched it enough to see one of it's actors for mere seconds and recognize them. This new information that Nancy now had about her made her upset.<br />
<br />
All I could say in response was "He has better hair in the commercial than in the show." I feel like my statement said so much more than hers. <br />
<br />
<br />LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-10289196093054721722012-09-26T17:37:00.001-07:002012-09-26T19:28:32.802-07:00Best. Show. Ever.<div>
Laura: How old is this granola bar?<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNLO82HuOAFBiTgoFvP3DOF_-XjsrgClNpw-klVF3xmwk-WPa7xcLapu1CBlthLZvJWzjd5dMkmnE8usCSedBW_hU-hQbLjKl7RzGsIMYM24YMUJI3POkiOKucb2KuvDE4IwaJYK2SnHY/s1600/IMG953913.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNLO82HuOAFBiTgoFvP3DOF_-XjsrgClNpw-klVF3xmwk-WPa7xcLapu1CBlthLZvJWzjd5dMkmnE8usCSedBW_hU-hQbLjKl7RzGsIMYM24YMUJI3POkiOKucb2KuvDE4IwaJYK2SnHY/s200/IMG953913.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
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Me: OK, THAT'S a granola bar you're allowed to text me a picture of<br />
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Laura: I'm pretty sure that this is how they got the idea for that commercial. Someone give Kevin Sr. and award.<br />
<br />
Me: He deserves so many awards<br />
<br />
Laura: Creepiest dad of the year award<br />
<br />
Me: Dad that looks nothing like his kids award<br />
<br />
Laura: The mom doesn't look like them either, what's that about?<br />
<br />
Laura: Also, Dani and her bitchy sister look nothing alike.<br />
<br />
Me: And THEY don't look like their dad either<br />
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Laura: Honestly. I don't care about any of them. Except for Nick. I wish it was the Nick Jonas show where he goes on vacation and visits national monuments<br />
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Me: I would watch the shit out of that show.<br />
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LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-35883295521605340642012-08-03T11:32:00.001-07:002012-09-26T19:29:15.826-07:00Beasts of the Southern WildNancy: Oh, I wanna see this movie! That little girl is so cute.<br />
Me: what is this movie?<br />
Laura: is this that movie that has something to do with the aftermath of Katrina?<br />
Nancy: yeah<br />
Me: why does it look like it's in Africa<br />
Laura: Cause shit got real after KatrinaLBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-73950010729753661692012-07-09T19:41:00.001-07:002012-07-09T19:45:44.038-07:00Eastbound & DownLaura: You don't need to be attractive to get a three way going. <br />
<br />
Just a shit ton of alcohol. <br />
<br />
Me: Followed by a shit ton of Valtrex<br />
<br />
<br />
LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-86254842893998789622012-06-30T13:57:00.000-07:002012-06-30T13:57:29.515-07:00Left BehindLaura: Today I got so few emails, either my work server & gmail are down - or the rapture happened.LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-35697201764565196332012-06-30T12:20:00.002-07:002012-06-30T13:32:07.123-07:00I'm psychicGuess who's having a baby? <a href="http://www.eonline.com/news/megan_foxs_pregnant_bikini_bod_gets/326127" target="_blank">Brian Austen Green and Megan Fox</a>! Guess who talked about this back in 2009? Um, <a href="http://mymomthinksimpretty.blogspot.com/2009/09/jennifers-body-would-be-totally-wrecked.html" target="_blank">I did</a>. God I can't wait for the Lifetime movie based on their romance. In the mean time I will just have to watch "Blue Lagoon: The Awakening".... again.LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-50826871731516823172012-06-28T17:03:00.001-07:002012-06-30T13:33:35.693-07:00Off the railsIt's been a 9 months since we last talked about the secret teenagers on ABC Family. Well, in that time those teens have gone fucking crazy. Amy took some time off to go to Hawaii with George Clooney and learn how to act. Ashley went to CGI school and became a vampire with Kate Beckensale. And everyone else just waited around for them to come back so they could turn the crazy up to 11 and make the show unwatchable. <br />
<br />
Unwatchable... now? I know what you're going to ask, wasn't it always unwatchable. Um. Don't be a Tom (aka, an asshole). Let me give you a sample of what's happened. Grace started dating a college boy she didn't really love, then dumped him because she decided she still wanted to tease Jack, then dumped him because she thought she might be gay for Adrian, then dumped Adrian because she missed Jesus. All while she discovered that her super christian dead dad had a half black son with his long standing secret girlfriend from Africa. Oh and he decided that a public school in southern California would be the best place to complete his education, because of course he did. <br />
<br />
Ben has gone batshit insane since him and Adrian lost their baby and got a divorce. He started dating a crazy ginger, burnt down the private school in town, and started smoking marijuana. Oh and he slept with his best friend's girlfriend, Alice. Because sleeping with your best friend while dating a crazy girl, is always a good plan. And I'm pretty sure the only reason he burnt the school down was so they could add more members to that flash mob of characters. These new characters still wear their private school uniforms to the public school, which is a good because how else would we know that they're new?<br />
<br />
I don't even want to talk about Amy and Ricky but I feel like I have to. They told everyone that they got married... so everyone showered them with an outpouring of support and love. You now because they are Amy and Ricky and totally deserve it, and everyone loves them. Gag me. Turns out, they were totally lying! God I can't wait for everyone to find out and shun them Amish style. <br />
<br />
Oh, and Molly Ringwald is gay.... well Molly isn't really gay, but for the life of me I can't remember the name of her character. Really all you need to know is that she's gay now.<br />
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The show continues to be on, and I continue to watch it. I don't know why. I could easily do something more valuable with my Monday nights. But what? Laundry? Read? Watch <i>another </i>show. Nah. Next week Haylie Duff is gonna be on the show! What is she gonna get up to? LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-39001974626131642022012-06-25T18:01:00.001-07:002012-06-30T13:34:08.002-07:00High tide and Tidepens<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Laura: I want to go to Sanibel Island</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: OK, Any particular reason? Wikipedia says Wilfred Brimley is from there.
Could that be why?</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Laura: That’s the exact reason</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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Me: It knew it</div>
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<br /></div>
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Laura: Saw it on CBS Sunday morning, it looked like fun.
Totes full of old people and seashells, that’s where we should retire</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: Can’t wait to retire with you</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Laura: It will be Funtimes on Hover Rounds</div>
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Me: I’ll bring the Tidepens</div>LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-70239697234838828072012-06-25T18:00:00.001-07:002012-06-30T13:34:34.518-07:00Pills and Booze<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Laura: Buy some wine at the Rite Aid. Assuming they have
any.</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: Already did.</div>LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5967522237404078266.post-21401650996243003452012-06-25T17:58:00.000-07:002012-06-30T13:35:08.512-07:00Sharks vs. Jets<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Laura: Tonight I’m going to a hockey party… I’ve invited the
Canadian. I’ve told him that he has to come so that I can be the girl that
brought the Canadian to the hockey party</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: “Bringing a Canadian to a hockey party” sounds a little
too much like “Bringing a gun to a knife fight”</div>LBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11087865465205810636noreply@blogger.com0