My Mom Think's I'm Pretty

Rest in Peace

2011-12-19T09:14:00.000-08:00

Jason: This was a big weekend for peeps passing away – Christopher Hitchens, Vaclav Havel, and Kim Jung Il.

Me: Yes, it was. Though, I did not find out about Kimmy until this morning. That’s what I get for watching Hallmark and Lifetime almost exclusively on Sunday.

Jason: Let’s also not forget to mourn the passing of the Sanctity of Marriage, which suffered a chronic months-long illness induced by Kim Kardashian and her now ex-husband.

Zee Germans

2011-12-19T05:14:00.000-08:00

Laura: For some reason, nazi-stolen art is a theme that keeps coming up in my life

Me: Well perhaps if you hadn't conspired with Henrich all those years ago people wouldn't bring it up so much. But that Monet over your fireplace IS breathtaking

Laura: It is.

Hundred Years War

2011-12-01T14:11:00.000-08:00

Jason: Also, for the record: Earl Grey tea with French Vanilla creamer tastes almost exactly like Chapstick.

Shayne: That’s exactly what you get should you try to bring the French and English together on anything other than their own terms.

It's the first time, the last time... we ever met

2011-10-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

Jason: Guess what, 50 M Street? This is actually a “Rendering and Clip Art Gallery” and not a “Photo Gallery”. Just to be clear. http://www.halfstreet.com/photo-gallery/

Me: I would like to talk about the “photo” of the blonde woman and the out of focus guy with the champagne and two glasses, one I’m sure has GHB in the bottom. Her well sculpted arms say; I can defend myself, but her eyes say “Help me, I don’t know where I am anymore”

Laura: That photo does reek of American Psycho. I can hear the phil Collins coming in the air tonight.
Oh. Lord.

Me: I heard that song was about a murder he witnessed, and he invited the murderer to the concert where he played that song, and then they arrested the guy… Or his divorce.

Laura: I heard it was about his affinity for fruit loops and how he’s totally pissed they don’t sell them in England.

Me: I heard it was a break up song he wrote with Starlee Klein.
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/339/break-up

Jason: I heard it was about warning new Englanders the Redcoats were coming.

Laura: I heard it was about the time he left his cake out in the rain. And he was totally bummed because he would never get that recipe again.

Me: I heard it was rejected script he wrote for “Are you Afraid of the Dark”.

Part Deux (We will never forget)

2011-09-01T10:47:00.001-07:00

Part Deux (We will never forget)

Laura has pointed out to me in my rush to update you on phone privacy policies of teenagers and when to divorce your hooker wife, I’ve forgotten key details of the best show on Monday nights at 8pm on ABC Family.

Let’s start with the plot point that started it all – the offspring of Ricky and Amy – John. I don’t know if it was being conceived on a couch at Band Camp, or maybe it was being ignored for the first 5 months of his existence, or perhaps it’s the Robitusin that producers give the child actors before each of his scenes – but that kid is constantly out of it. Someone needs to eraser Lil’ John from his phone and get him off the Purple Drank.

Things I learned about grief recovery from Adrian: #1. Punching multiple holes in a gyp board wall will not break your hand like I previously thought, #2. The best way to lose your baby weight is to put on some spandex and gym shoes and walk around the neighborhood listening to “Rolling in the Deep”, it only takes one walk to get back to your fighting weight, #3. After losing your baby in the third trimester it’s best to just put on some tight clothes (remember you’re skinny again because you went Rolling in the Deep) and seduce your estranged husband so you can get pregnant again, #4. When everyone thinks you’re crazy, what with your overacting and crazy eyes, just throw yourself into trying to get Ricky back, because you know – that won’t ruin everything.

Oh, and stuff is going on with the Wonder Twins. Everyone’s favorite token/ginger pairing. But all you need to know about them is that they are super whinny and demanding of anyone’s time they encounter. The best thing that happened to Madison was that her dad treated her like a reverse hooker (i.e. paid her NOT to have sex with Jack). Now I’m wondering why I didn’t make a similar deal with my dad in high school. I could have paid for my college tuition.

And finally, I would like to discuss Adrian’s mom… why Adrian’s mom you ask? Well because right after her daughter got married in high school and then lost her baby, what did she do? She left for the Hampton’s and got herself knocked up by Eastern European royalty (on the show Royal Pains), only to leave that man in the lurch to fly to Shreveport, LA to inhabit the body of a witch and kill as many vampires as possible (True Blood). Good thing she’s a flight attendant and can fly for free otherwise all that flying can really drain your bank account.

Who's the Boss

2011-09-01T10:46:00.000-07:00

Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence have a new show, like you didn’t know. I know you watched their movie on ABC Family “My Fake Fiancé” a few years ago and said – those two crazy kids need to be on my flat screen for at least 30 minutes a week. And yes, I will DVR that.

Let me explain the set up to you… Clarissa is a Toledo Council woman who’s brother was the head of a ponzi scheme. He goes to jail, like ya do. And she ends up having to care for his two high school kids. She’s totally freaked because she doesn’t know how to take care of kids, good thing she lives in a 4 bedroom house in the suburbs (which I’m pretty sure was the set of Reba, but I really don’t like showing my hand like that and letting you know that I know enough about the show Reba to ID it’s set).

Anyway, before you can say I wonder if the Reba set was just really the Boy Meets World set, Joey shows up. Apparently he lost all his money in that Ponzi scheme and wants revenge, or a job. Sabrina gives him a job as her nanny. Since their both executive producers of this show and it’s a down economy in Ohio, he accepts this demeaning position. Hilarious antics ensue.

Now, nothing really memorable or noteworthy happens in the first season. But over the break, something phenomenal occurs. Joseph Lawrence decided to grow out his hair. He has been shaving his head since his “Bring Back Blossom” protest, I think. And like most men that go “voluntarily bald I think we all just assumed he was going naturally bald. But that appears to not be the case.

I say congrats Mr. Lawrence for finally ending your protest, and you know who we can thank for that? Mayim Bialik. I think it’s no coincidence that she came back to television on Secret Life and Big Bang Theory right around the same time Joey finally decided to bring back his awesome locks. Now we just have to see what Luke Perry has been doing with his hair lately…

Yellowstone Funtimes

2011-08-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

Jason: I have the feeling Yellowstone is going to be crazy crowded on Saturday, but at least we have the benefit of doing the less-crowded side of the park that day….

Me: Is that side less crowded because it’s been thinned out by the bears? If yes, I’m not sure I want to go to that side.

Kristen: I'll bring bear spray for you. Or cowbells. Either one should work, right?

Laura: I hear if you bang 2 sticks together, it keeps the bears away. Saw it in a movie once. *
(Kristen: Parent Trap w/Lindsay Lohan!! )

Me: Can bears read? If so, maybe I should just wear my “Personal Area” t-shirt.

Jason: My understanding is that bears are “close talkers.”

Update...

2011-08-29T07:04:00.000-07:00

Inspired by my friend Alyson, who I saw this weekend in Chicago, I thought I would fill all curious parties in on what’s been going on with the Teenagers and their Secret Lives. (Yes, that show is still on the air.) It’s been over a year since I recapped what’s been happening, and I’d like to tell you that a lot has happened, but like most soaps, you started watching in high school and then grew out of, you only have to check in with them yearly to find out that Jason is still in the mob and Carly is still trying to save his soul.

So… Adrian’s revenge sex baby that she was going to “take care of”? Well, if you thought by “take care of” meant trapping Ben into a loveless high school marriage fueled by low self-esteem and a sense of foreboding stemming from her absentee parents – then, yes she took care of it. Sadly, she lost the baby and Ben – who’s hair got higher and higher with each douchier thing he did to get out of his marriage.

Amy’s trip to NYC made her realize that she didn’t really like playing the French Horn. I know, right. Game changer. You know what she does like playing? Mind games with Ricky. Apparently the writers of the show decided that Ricky has apparently been in love with Amy all along and wants to be a family with her (or at least get in her pants again). Over the course of about a year Amy moves in with Ricky over the butcher shop and they resolve every fight/misunderstanding within 42 minutes. Even the relationship ender of Amy secretly listening to Ricky’s voicemail. In the end, he ended up apologizing to her for getting mad. You know, it’s like when Cheney shot that guy in the face.

Jack has turned into the most pathetic character on the show. His parents have abandoned him, he was forced to move out of his ex-girlfriend’s guest house when Tom found a girlfriend. And he basically has no friends and no girlfriend. How he’s not drinking I have no idea. He’s sunk so low as to ask his ex-girlfriend’s mom to a dance. Pathetic. Brenda Hampton clearly has some beef with a high school quarter back from her past because she’s taking it out on Jack.

I think in the last year Grace caught Hillary Duff syndrome (aka horse teeth). Her horse teeth and insistence on wearing salmon are too distracting for me even remember what insignificant storyline she has going on. But I’m sure it involves a boy and trying to or not trying to sleep with said boy.

Ashley has disappeared. Not face on the milk cartoon disappeared – but got a job filming “Underworld 4” disappeared. Apparently it’s a pretty hearty role because she’s been “in Florida” for a while. Let’s just say the show has not suffered without her presence.

Let’s see… oh, Betty and Leo (Ben’s dad and step mom, who was a former prostitute) are getting a divorce. And to quote Leo “Betty wants to go back to college, so we’re getting a divorce.” Awesome.

I Do.

2011-08-19T10:03:00.000-07:00

Me: I found your wedding dress.

Sarah: think I should make Mike cover himself in glitter for the wedding? it'll go well with his tuxedo print t shirt.

Me: Now I’m worried about all the possible theme weddings where grooms WILL be forced to cover themselves in body glitter for their weddings. Shame on you Stephanie Meyer, shame on you.

Sarah: If you have to theme your wedding, you've got bigger problems than body glitter

It’s never Lupus

2011-06-22T10:38:00.000-07:00

Laura: You know who didn’t age well, Amanda Bynes. I saw her on some kind of Fashion Police show, and her body looks great… but something is wrong with her face. It’s all big and puffy. Like she’s taking Lupus medication or something.

Laura: You know, it’s never Lupus, but sometimes it is. And sometimes the Lupus meds make you look like Amanda Bynes. She has Lupus face.

Me: She needs to be FACE tested… but the kind of FACE test where you put your hand up to your face and if your face is bigger than your hand you have Lupus.

Laura: Finally, a quick and easy test for Lupus.

Left Behind

2011-05-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

Laura: Today I got so few emails, either my work server & gmail are down - or the rapture happened.

Happy Birthday Jason

2011-05-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

Me: Mark your calendars! Jan. 20, 2012. Why? Because I just found out we will be treated to another Underworld movie.

Jason : Oh my goodness I can’t wait. There was a marathon on the other day that I got a lot of pleasure out of not watching.

Me: Apparently in the 4th installment the whole of humanity is aware of vampires and werewolves (or lycans as this series prefers to call them) and there is an all out war between everyone. Don’t worry Kate Beckensale is in it again. And this time her character has a daughter, whom I’m guessing is a hybrid of vampire and lycan. It think it’s called “Underworld: It was like, What?”

Jason: Don’t be foolish, everyone knows that werebabies can’t survive The Change. I guess if it’s a vampire werebaby all bets are off, though.

Shayne: Hasn't this got to be the least successful series of movies ever? Did anyone even see the last one?

Me: No… and I see everything. I’ve even seen most if not all the Bring it on movies (which according to Slate are quite successful in the straight to DVD market) Speaking of movie franchises… there is a 5th Final Destination movie coming out.

Jason: I think maybe the previous movies were more of Waypoint or Rest-stop Destinations than Final ones.

Shayne: I just want to say that because of this email thread, I now have an ad at the top of my Gmail browser inviting me to "date real vampires, no posers or wannabees"

Jason: Well, that would be the last thing you would want to do, obviously.
Shayne: I suppose a poser vampire might be the only thing worse than a real vampire.

Tim: As I recall a bunch of THOSE vampires worked at the Hobby Lobby in western hills.

Me: And we’re back to vampires… new title - Underworld: Hobby Lobby

Jason: Yes, I like it. The plot revolves the introduction of a 3rd species into the vampire/lycan wars; the Crafters, who wear hats made of wreaths and fake flowers and brandish the ancient and most venerable power of The Glue Gun.

A Pirate's Life for me

2011-04-19T19:25:00.000-07:00

Me: Just did my taxes. Guess who owes me $52?

Jason: Johhny Depp

Why we're friends

2011-04-19T19:20:00.001-07:00

Me: If I took an Excedrine and Motrin at 8pm, could I take a sleeping pill at 10pm?

Sarah: I can't wait for your dream recap in the morning!

Shhh... don't tell

2011-04-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

Me: Tonight on the Hallmark Channel – The Shunning, Katie has always felt something missing in her simple Amish existence until an “Englisher” comes looking for the girl she gave up for adoption years ago

You know those Amish and their secrets

Laura: Shit! Sounds amazing…

Me: They even talk with that special Amish/German/Dutch/old timey accent. I bet Danielle Panabaker hired a dialect coach from Lancaster

Laura: You gotta nail the accent if you want Amish work

Oh Sherry Springfield … welcome to mediocrity. Now that the ER checks have dried up … I guess Lifetime is better than welfare

Gahd… the Amish DO have their secrets

I think we should coin the term “Amish secret” and use it when something is super scandalous

Me: Secret #1, I spiked my lemonade today

I know the movie is called the Shunning, so why did I say “Oh Snap” when Katie got shunned?

Laura: A shunning is only a shunning if you have to say oh snap

Me: It’s just like being served or owned

(In a discussion a few days later about a new ABC Family show)

Laura: Oh shit… deaf girl show with Caroline in the City!

Me: I love a good switched at birth show, is anyone Amish?

Laura: Probably, but it’s a secret.

We can still be friends...

2011-03-11T12:03:00.000-08:00

Sarah: (re: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel breakup) I thought they were already broken up again. And once, just once, I would like for someone to admit there is no remaining friends and continuing to hold mutual respect for one another. If you want me to believe that stars are "just like us" then first, have the star and not the rep inform me about the break up, and second, admit there is no mutual respect and you wish they rot in hell.

Me: I thought they broke up too… and I would say that Taylor Swift is the closet to telling everyone that she wants her exes to rot in hell, but of course she does this through song.

Jason: Yeah. Anyone remember You Oughtta Know by Alanis Morisette? Now there is a breakup song.

Sarah: it is a great angry breakup song

Jason: Taylor Swift, you’ve been pwnd.

Me: Dork

That's the way I roll

2011-03-09T18:28:00.001-08:00

Jason: I prefer to make pointless snap judgments on relatively little factual information

A few days later, Jason was talking about his line-up for Fantasy Congress (it’s like Fantasy Football for people who don't like football, and know way too much about our congressman), anyway Nancy Pelosi is his team leader/quarterback…

Jason: I’m pretty happy with my lineup, although I think Pelosi was my 4th pick for leader. She’s so 2000-and-late.

Me: You know what else is so 2000-and-late? Black Eyed Peas references.

Jason: Well, as you know, I think my second truly character-defining characteristic is my unfettered love of the black eyed peas.

Experiments in Energy by Jason

2011-02-24T05:17:00.000-08:00

2:00pm: I just had a product rep drop off a box of goodies for me – it contains fruit snacks, ritz crackers, pixie sticks, and two 5-Hour Energy drinks. I’ve never really examine one of those before, so I was reading it… and apparently it has 8333% of your daily value of vitamin B12.

2:20pm: In the name of scientific advancement, I will drink one this evening and report back to the group

4:45pm: I drank it. Commence experiment.

4:50pm: Observation #1: The words berry flavor should have quotation marks around them.

6:00pm: Field report from 1 hour in:

Feeling pretty fine, a little on the wired side. Am typically hungry by now, but no signs of hunger whatsoever. Although, to be honest, I felt pretty good at 5:00, when I drank it. So…first hour is a pass, but it will take more than this to impress me. On the upside, neither my liver nor my kidneys have failed. To my knowledge.

8:15pm Field report from hour 3:

Definitely still going strong. It’s about this time of the evening that I typically get stabby if I’m still at work. No stabbiness to report.

8:20pm: The bottle says:

No crashes!*
*No sugar crashes

That does not bode well.

9:10pm: Hour 4 – still going strong. I feel like Jessie with those caffeine pills*

*I later clarified that by this Jason meant excited and not scared. I said, just wait until that 6th hour.

Tear down that wall

2011-02-13T12:59:00.000-08:00

Laura: Turns out I kinda miss the Cold War

And God told Noah to build an Ark...

2011-02-08T12:11:00.000-08:00

LAURA: I would like to put this forward as evidence as to why roosters/chickens may have earned the right to ride in the ark.
CHICKEN FIGHT...

SHAYNE: So it wasn't because they lay eggs and are tasty when fried, but because they'll cut a btch if you cross them.

So noted.

JASON: You know what they say. Never bring a chicken to a knife fight.

Pandas are A-holes

2011-02-08T10:28:00.001-08:00

Jason: Panda Alert - Here go those pandas again, sucking down more of our taxpayer dollars. Where is the tea party when you need them?

Me: OK. PLEASE tell me you read the article. There are too many things that need to be pointed out…
#1. Female pandas can only conceive one day a year. Seriously!

#2. “it was determined that competent natural breeding between the pair had not occurred. Due in part to the bears’ rigorous attempts at natural mating, efforts to retrieve semen from Tian Tian was not successful” I’m not even going to get into that one, I just want you to think about that, and feel bad for everyone involved.

#3. I had to copy the whole paragraph for this one, and when you read it try not to throw up in your mouth, “In addition, keepers worked for several months on the physical stamina of the bears in preparation for mating season. Tian Tian underwent behavioral training to stand tall on his hind legs by receiving food treats to build stronger leg muscles; Mei Xiang was trained to lie across a large log in her enclosure to improve her breeding positioning.”

#4, Finally – Pandas are only pregnant for 90 days! Seriously. This is why they give birth to something the size of a condiment.

Jason: WOW. Just….wow. I added in Michele and Shayne and Suzie because we were just speaking of the terribleness of pandas during the super bowl and there is some good info below they can add to their mental file cabinets re: pandas.

Me: Yes, but here’s the $64,000 question. Should it be filed under P-for Panda or A-for a-hole.

Laura: I would file it under both – just to cover our asses – just like you would in construction administration.

Laura: God, I hate them so much.

Funnily, the cheetahs in that email were on the news here this morning. Apparently there had been 2 cheetah moms that gave birth to single babies, and they don’t tend to mother 1 baby well, so they gave one of the babies to the other mom so that she could think she had 2 babies. Luckily, it worked out.
It is also a lot of work to make some endangered creature not be so endangered anymore, but at least cheetah’s can run really fast (away from predators and toward food) and have excellent camouflage.

(I would like to add that I don’t think I ever had to spell the word “camouflage” before, and I was repeatedly confounded on how to spell it).

Tim: So to recap:

1. Woo at the zoo – not for you.
2. Cheetahs – you’re all right in our book, well done evolving specialized survival skills. We’d give you a pat on the back, but your quite fast and think we are tasty.
3. Pandas – turns out they are bigger a$$holes then we thought – go figure.
4. “Camo” – because if we called it camouflage, red-necks would have to acknowledge its’ French roots.
5. Welcome new members to “Panda Detractors International”

Jason: For clarification, Dave likes pandas. He’s included on the list because we enjoy needling him about them

Jason: This might need to be our logo.

Because either
1) A very skinny panda has snuck up behind this boy, has unhinged his jaw, and is on the verge of devouring him
2) The wearing of panda hats is not at all fun and will make you miserable, like this child.

Laura: Also,
3) he’s wearing a hoodie.

I don’t know why this needs to be #3. But I think it has to do with the fact that Michael Cera called, and he wants his hoodie back..

Shayne: I would substitute this one... Sums it up nicely.

Michele: I am so confused why we don’t let these animals go extinct. They don't want to exist!
How did they make it this far? We should spend our time, money, and effort on better animals.
Pandas are assholes.

Jason: I don’t know. It doesn’t even make sense how they could have survived this long, even without considering habitat destruction. Maybe at some point their genome got broken.

Shayne: I prefer to adopt the optimistic perspective. If mankind can keep a species this destined for failure from disappearing from the earth, there's hope for us all.

My theory, the death of the last panda will be shortly followed by the Apocalypse.

Laura: That’s what they said when they were trying to save the unicorn. And look at us now. Still going strong.

Are you my mother?

2011-01-19T13:56:00.001-08:00

Me: Anne Hathaway is playing Catwoman in the new Batman movie.

Laura: I don’t think the queen of Genovia would approve.

Me: Well, considering she IS the queen – I think it’s OK. Then again she is going to have to take off so time from ruling the country to dance around in skin tight leather. Maybe that boy toy she was romancing can rule in her stead for a bit – who was that dude – Captain Kirk?

Laura: That’s right – it was captain kirk (chris pine)
I still don’t trust him. I wouldn’t put him in charge. Hand it over to her security dude for the time- we all know they’re going to hook up as soon as he fills out.

Me: Wait.. who’s going to hook up as soon as who fills out? B/C the security dude (AKA the concierge at the Regency Beverly Wilshire) married the step mother to the Von Trapp children. PS – I could do this all afternoon.

Laura: You’re right that the security dude – (AKA Callie’s dad on Grey’s Anatomy) did marry Victor Victoria.
But princess mia was assigned a new security guard – who was training throughout the sequel. He’s a skinny Italian looking dude – kind of nervous – but someday will fill out and be more confident, and after he saves her life the first time and shows her how his sharp sharp sword can easily slice her scarf in twain, she will fall for him.

Me: So what you’re saying is that once the security dude (AKA the doctor from Monk) and Marry Poppins retire to run that country estate that the princess turns into an orphanage she’s going to follow in her grandmother’s footsteps? I’m not so sure. B/C then she would be romancing her step-dads nephew. I think she might decide to marry the guy that can stop an UNSTOPPABLE train and then adopt Little Miss Sunshine.

PS - nice Bodyguard reference

Laura: I disagree. Mia is royalty, and there are no rules against – nay – there pretty much rules that require you to – marry within the bloodline. Everyone knows that the Chief of Medicine of Chicago Hope comes from courtly stock. I guess Abigail breslin is going to have a royal brother, and no, I am not talking about the fat kid from The Kid. I do feel bad for their adopted daughter though- this isn’t the first time she was orphaned. I think queen mia is a far better new mommy than Kate Hudson.

Me: I think Kate Hudson has proved time and time again that she would make a terrible mother. A#1. She makes terrible choices in partners – example – Matthew Mcconaughey (twice)!
But back to Nimm and her new mommy… so let’s look at what this poor orphan has been saddled with in terms of choices – A woman dying of Parkinson’s, A groupie named Penny Lane, a former gang r-a-p-e victim, a jazz-singer murder, and the Babysitter (in a new indie movie she made in 2010). I feel like someone is being type cast in Hollywood. Looks like someone needs to be cast in a Twilight move STAT.

Laura: Nim also has some serious asthma, which does not go well when the world has been invaded by aliens. Good thing uncle Commodus is always around with a nicely weighted Louisville slugger.

Me: She also has some serious issues with water. Good thing Martin Riggs is there to save the day, until he calls the aliens jews and denies that Independence Day ever happened (you know, that being their holocaust) and they don’t invite him to be a part of Hangover 2.

Laura: I really don’t think Braveheart saved the day at all. Big deal – he figured out that E.T. doesn’t like water. What a Twist! I still give credit to Johnny Cash.

Me: Must have been his post-rehab-I-found-Jesus-Christ-in-June-Carter’s-pants days.

did she really make a Vietnam reference?

2011-01-04T10:43:00.000-08:00

Me: I was talking to my mom yesterday about my job and she asked how it’s possible we still have things to do, she wondering what anyone was working on (she thought we only built things for NASA), I explained that we build A LOT for the military and since there is a war going on, we have lots to do. And then she said, “You know who made a lot of money off the war? That son of a bitch Johnson.” I cracked up laughing, and she couldn’t figure out why.

Jason: Nice.

Laura: I would have face tested her.

Subject: FACE

2010-12-22T11:38:00.001-08:00

Me: By just reading the subject line, I thought this had something to do with stroking out… and someone needing a F-A-C-E test. But this is so much better.

Laura: Me too!
Except it’s a FAST test – but the F in FAST stands for face.
But that doesn’t matter because I always call it the FACE test on accident. You know why? If I think you’ve had a stroke, and I ask you to smile and only half of your face works – I’m not going to do the other 3 things.

Nancy: What are you people talking about? FACE test? Should I just google it so I don't look like an idiot.
OK, so I googled it and I still don't get it.

Michele: you know, that email that goes around telling you when someone has possibly had a stroke, frequently they fall or something, there is a whole gamut of things to test them if they had a stroke. a lot of times women (i think in particular) have a small stroke, think they just got weird for a minute, tell everyone they are fine and then die b/c they actually had an untreated stroke.

Nancy: I have NEVER heard of this!
What kind of things do you test? Ask them if they ate aluminum foil?

Me: I think my reference to the FACE/FAST test comes from when I was out with some friends (it was probably one or more of you ladies) and we saw a pamphlet advertising the FAST test. I thought it was so strange. This is what is stands for… and I think I call it the FACE test because the first word is face, and it confuses me… also, I think if they fail the first step, you should skip straight to the T, and call 911. But I don’t know, that’s just me.
Act F.A.S.T.
FACE: Ask the person to smile.
Does one side of the face droop?
ARMS: Ask the person to raise both arms.
Does one arm drift downward?
SPEECH: Ask the person to repeat a simple sentence.
Are the words slurred? Can they repeat the sentence
correctly?
TIME: If the person shows any of these symptoms, time is
important. Call 9-1-1 or get to the hospital fast!

Laura: T for Time also means that you are supposed to note the time – because it’s important to know how much time has passed since the stroke occurred. Lori Beth – I’m so glad that the FAST test is such a recurring theme in our friendship. One day, one of us is gonna stroke out, and not only are we going to be fully prepared, we’re going to laugh during the whole process.
Me: I think we should decide what the simple sentence for repetition should be…

Sarah: Good idea. time is of the essence and if we're testing you to see if you have a stroke, we could loose valuable time figuring out what a simple sentence would be

Me: just picturing one of us stroking out, and then laughing the entire time made me laugh even more. If you can’t laugh at your best friend having an aneurism, what can you laugh at.

Laura: Seriously. Also, I’d like to add this: If you can’t laugh while you’re having a stroke – it’s because you’re having a stroke.

Secret Santa

2010-12-20T06:54:00.001-08:00

Me: No one likes a Secret Baby

Jason: Nope

Me: I mean, everyone likes Secret Santa… but not Secret Babies.*

*Background: We were talking about the new Harry Potter movie, and my confusion over a particular scene with what seemed like Harry crashing into a hidden nursery for a baby that had been kept secret for an untold number of years… who was this baby? Were they important? Why is it always babies? Babies, Jeanne, babies… Anyway, Jason explained that perhaps Harry had crashed into the house next door (as these were row houses) and the secret baby room was no secret at all, but in fact just a room in the neighbors house.

Not the Same Severus....

2010-11-23T10:45:00.000-08:00

• “This was, as you can imagine as faulty an assumption as there as ever been in the long history of faulty assumptions” (98 re: the assumption the killing Pertinax and selling off the throne to Julianus would have no repercussions)
• As quickly as word reached the legionary camps that Julianus was Emperor, word came back to Julianus that, ‘Yeah right, wanna bet” (99 re: the 4 men that were going to fight Julianus for the throne; Severus being the biggest threat)
• Severus occupied Revena simply by showing up and announcing that he was now occupying Revena (99)
• Despite his public front of hopeful hope and friendly friendship though, Severus and his lieutenants were diligently preparing for war (100 re: Severus’ impending battle with the other 2 men claiming the throne)
• A glorious mountain erected on top of an inglorious molehill (101 re: the Arch of Severus)
• Next week we’ll follow the Severians on their family bonding trip to Britain, where among other things they will attempt to exterminate an entire race of people. (101)
• Boo, Caracalla, Boo (102, re: Caracalla killing his brother at his mom’s apartment)
• They were so happy to be rid of Caracalla, that they probably would have supported an inanimate carbon rod for the job. (102, re: Macrinus assignation of Caracalla and rise to Emperor)
• But soon after the wedding, Julia discovered something horrible, Alexander actually liked his wife, and wanted to spend time with her. (105 re: Alexander’s mother/regent dislike of his second wife and the power she had over her son)
• … when [the Germans] woke up in the Spring they found out that a giant Thracian General had taken control of the legions and rather than offering them immense wealth he was offering them only grim death. That had to have been a bit jarring. (107 re: the ‘replacement of Alexander with Maximinus Thrax as Emperor, and the German army agreement with the previous emperor being null and void)
• Probably the biggest determining factor in Alexander not becoming a horrible train wreck was his mother. (105 re: Julia Mamaea)
• Things were going great for Gordian, until Timesitheus died. And then everything went to hell. (109)
• … this moment of realization came right around the time they were all being hacked to death… (110 re: Decius’s legions fighting the Goths, and realizing the Goths were more powerful than expected)
• Cypreons writings act as a tiny little lighthouse in the distance, helping us navigate our way through the historical fog. But then the Romans went an killed him. (112)
• The life of one captured emperor was simply not worth the time and expense, not with so much hell being crammed into so many hand baskets. (112 re: the capture of Valerian)
• he wanted to prove to everyone that he did not approve of regicide, especially because he was now the reg who could be cided.” (116 re: Claudius Gothicus)

Silly Romans

2010-11-23T10:43:00.000-08:00

• He had the political instincts of a lemming (70) (re: Galba)
• … Marcus Aurelius foolishly handed power to his son Joaquin Phoenix in 180 AD… (74)
• Domitian preferred, “Domitian, your Lord and God” (75)
• “Agricola sounds like some kind of terrible hippie soda” (76) (re: the mispronunciation of A-gric-ola as Ag-ra-cola)
• “Domitian was also cutting down the booze supply. Is it any wonder then that he was finally stabbed to death?” (76)
• “At no point had he been … the man that was expected to control the herd of cats that was the Roman Senate.” (78) (re: Nerva)
• “Those that said, the pen is mightier than the sword, had clearly never been stabbed to death” (78).
• Hadrian? Didn’t he, like, build a wall or something? (80)
• He did bring the beard back into fashion, and for that alone he deserves all the praise he gets (82) (re: Hadrian)
• “Hadrian’s empire wide architectural orgy” (85)
• Roman Romans were content to have others do the heavy lifting for them while they frittered away their aimless lives and sent the wealth of an empire their forefathers had won for them down the drain of their vomitoriums. (86)
• “The cult of the Jewish carpenter” (86)
• If any of this stuff sparks your imagination, remember that Amazon or Powell’s are both positively overflowing with books on all these topics. Usually at cut-rate prices too, because as much as we know how fascinating Seneca’s letters from a Stoic is going to be, the free market is under the impression that it can only charge five bucks for it. (87)
• A dangerously insane immature hedonist (90) (re: Commodus and Caligula)
• [He was] such a damn weirdo no one knew what to do with him, until they finally just decided it was just best to just kill him (90) (re: Elagabalus)
• We should all hope to have best friends as utterly kick ass as Marcus Agrippa (90)
• … and about as strategically minded as a buffalo in heat (90) (re: the portrayal of Spartacus on the Starz show)
• A self absorbed hedonists, who was intellectually vacant, obsessed with sport, and likely and sociopath to boot. He was Lucius Verus without any Marcus Aurelius to keep him in check – He was Nero and Caligula combined, topping both in scandal, debauchery, and murderous frivolity combined. Still others though, loved Commodus, and at least for the majority of his reign, thought he was the absolute bees knees. Now what group of compulsive contrarians would take such a contradictory line on a man so universally reviled by history? – why the people of Rome of course. (96)
• Next week, the wheels will come off the bus (96 re: Commodus’s reign)
• OK, so last time Maximus was totally framed by Joaquin Phoenix.. (97)
• …an emperor fighting as a gladiator, well that would be the equivalent of the president turning up one morning in a crack den (97 re: Commodus fighting as a gladiator)
• So the Senators went, and watched the Emperor club cripples to death (97 re: Commodus forcing the Senators attend the games in which he fought)
• Further compounding the mockery they were making the government was the fact that the two men actually spent very little time thinking about the government and chose instead to focus on exploring the vast and wide depths of sexual depravity. (97 re: Commodus and Cleander’s ‘partnership’)
• Stay classy Commodus (97 re: Commodus executing his wife, Crispina mostly because she had an affair, something he did every day of their marriage)
• As so often happens in these sorts of bloodily tyrannical quasi police states, one minute you’re up, and the next minute you’re being airbrushed out of that photo of you and Stalin enjoying a nice glass of Vodka together (97 re: the dissolution of the relationship between Commodus and Cleander).
• During his last two years in office, he really kicked the crazy up a notch (97)
• Next week the empire will wake up with a very bad hangover (97 re: the death of Commodus)
• “Booo Clodius’s supporters…boooooooo” (42)

Hello and Welcome to the History of Rome

2010-11-23T10:34:00.000-08:00

For a few months now my friends and I have been listening to "The History of Rome" podcast by Mike Duncan. It's amazing. And over these past few months we have been collecting our favorite quotes from each week's episode. I will start posting them here.

· Rome is, and has been since the 380s BC, a convoluted mess that defies logic (8-11) (re: urban planning of Rome after the Galic sack)
· The Roman Maniple system was based on the concept of time-release freshness (14)
· “He order that the sacred chickens be consulted… how he expected to win without the approval of the sacred chickens is a mystery” (18-20b) (re: Roman naval battle in the first Punic War)
· The Carthaginian senate was apoplectic when they heard the news of the Roman invasion (18-20b) (re: the Roman invasion of Masana and the beginning of the First Punic War)
· But Carthage found some change in the couch cushions and hired different mercenaries to fight the aggrieved mercenaries (21)
· “You gotta admit, there is something poetic about bribing your way out of charges of bribery.”
· For one thing, he had, horror of horrors, long hair, like a woman. 23d (Re: Scipio)
· He was an incredibly magnetic cross between Jim Morrison, Alexander the Great and Jesus. 23d (Re: Scipio)
· “The price of freedom is eternal vigilance over the width of hallways” (31) reference to the idea that you can control the voting by controlling the width of the hallways to the voting booths
· “Left without ships, pirates are just dudes that haven’t taken baths in a while” (37)
· “You can’t mess with my highway works project because if you do the gods will flood your district” (40) reference to Caesar’s “curses”
· “Surely he won’t build a giant wall blocking our migration.” Next week, Caesar builds a giant wall blocking the migration… (40)
· It was clear that he intended to talk until the sun fell out of the sky (40) (re: Cato)
· Furthermore, it is my opinion that Carthage must be destroyed (the end of one of Cato’s speeches.)
· Get a load of Pompey, he actually loves his wife (40) (re: Pompey marriage to Julia, Caesar’s daughter)
· Nothing says popular like free stuff (42) (Clodius giving away grain)
· “Flimsy pretext, I has them” (54)
· “…a stammering idiot, who everyone knew, would never amount to anything” (55) (re: young Claudius)
· “At this time a man claiming to be the son of God was executed in the far off province of Judea. The crucifixion of the man Jesus Christ had no immediate effect on anything” (58)
· “Hmm. I wonder if this thoroughly traumatized boy, who just watched his mother and brothers be murdered by his adoptive grandfather, is going to grow up to be sociopathic monster. Stay tuned!” (58) (re: Caligula)
· Caligula was insane. Luckily for the Romans he wielded absolute power. (60)
· So, let’s jump on into the funhouse of horrors, shall we? 60 (Re: Caligula)
· “Sweet Jupiter. Let’s go get a drink” (62) Reaction to the idea that the bumbling Claudius would be emperor
· “This led to her very first accusation of poisoning which seems to be something of a rite of passage for Julio-Claudian women.” (63) Re: Agrippina on the death of her husband Pascius
· “Generally making the LA night club scene look like a meeting of the woman’s Christian Temperance Union” (66) in reference to Nero and his friends nightly activities.

It always comes back to Jesus

2010-11-23T07:18:00.000-08:00

Jeanne: Last night for the mad men finale Matt made himself a white Russian in which he replaced the ice cubes with vanilla ice cream. I think that watching him drink that and not being able to partake was the equivalent to Chinese water torture. Also possibly the most genius thing I've ever seen
Me: Oh man… now I want a white Russian float.
Nancy: When did Matt get so smart? I mean genius smart???
Tim: Matt, I shed a tear, that’s a beautiful cocktail…
Matt: The White Russian float is not even my best idea …about White Russians…by a long shot.
This one I discovered a year or two ago at yet another holiday party involving yet another family gathering. Replace the milk with eggnog… My Father-in-Law was “unable to complete sentences - drunk” which is probably on par with- “its dizzy up there so I crawl everywhere - drunk”. I know what you’re thinking: “I don’t like eggnog” or “you’re supposed to put rum, bourbon or brandy in eggnog”. Just do it. Thank/curse me later.
Happy Holidays!
Shayne: Since Jason is conspicuously absent from this email chain I’ll have no remorse in stealing his thunder and bringing up his great contribution to the world of milky potent potables: The Jaeger-Nog. While this concoction may not be on par with genius smart, I can attest to its deliciousness and highly recommend it; just in case you’re looking for a creative variation on your eggnogging festivities.
Just to clarify, a White Russian is primarily comprised of Kahlua and milk, yes? Any vodka involved?
Jeanne: I added Jason... since we were talking about him and all...A white Russian is cream, vodka, and Kahluaa black Russian is vodka and Kahluaa Kahlua and cream is... well... Kahlua and cream.Hope that helps.I can also attest to the deliciousness of the nog Russian. And the fact that any time they come up my mom says to my dad something like this: "You can not get that drunk at a holiday party again. I was stuck opening gifts with your mother while you were in the kitchen giggling"
Matt: You had the internet in front of you and decided to email that question? Do you think vodka is involved in a drink called ‘fill in the blank’ Russian?
Shayne: Yes, I emailed the question. The internets are a seedy den of licentiousness and iniquity. Not like you folks, who are of unimpeachable character…
Most times.
Mike: I will definitely be trying the white Russian float in the near future. That might even make a great milkshake. And how exactly is a Jaeger-Nog made? I need to try that, too.
I will not be trying Shane's 'third-base' white Russian. It's not really a virgin drink, but it's barely a touch above chocolate milk.
Jason: The jaeger nog is as simple in its execution as it is to enjoy. Pour 1 shot of jaegermeister into a tumbler of egg-nog and stir. It will become an unpleasant taupe color but oh well. It’s best to think of it as reminiscent of the hay in the manger of the baby Jesus.
Nancy: Oh, a Kahlua and cream can also be called a "dirty mother". I know this because my best friend's mom (you know, back in Canton) drank them while we were growing up and we always gave her a hard time that she was an alcoholic.
Nancy: Jason, did I catch a Jesus in there?
(The Next Day)
Matt: “Jason, did I catch a Jesus in there?”
Did you mean that as in “did he just reference our savior” or that you have a “Jesus catcher” for catching Jesii (I spent too much time coming up with the plural of Jesus and have settled on that). I’m imagining a dream catcher with made of rosaries. Something you check everyday like an Alaskan fisherman checking his crab pots. If so, why are you asking Jason?
Please let it be the latter…
Ooh ooh, can anyone tell I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night…
Jeanne: Love the Jesus catcher. Perhaps we should build one this weekend... although I think the plural for Jesus would just be Jesus...
Matt: I think kitsch Jesus statues could be Jesii.
Jason: I prefer the grammatically incorrect “jeezums”
Me: That sounds dirty
Matt: seconded
Jason: It does sound like it should be included in the phrase “I socked him right in the jeezums”.
Motion withdrawn.
“Jesii” has my approval.
Jason: I wonder what happens when you Google “Jesus catcher”
Shayne: Probably nothing nearly as objectionable as if you googled “Jeezums”
Jason: Sure, if you want to get all Popeish on us.
Shayne: I’d rather be Anti-Popish. I hear Avignon is nice this time of year.

Happy f*cking wedding

2010-09-21T17:31:00.000-07:00

Jason: I can't tell if they're from Akron or just Wicca?*

There was a wedding at Jason's mom's winery. Let's just say the 'theme' of the wedding was in question.

Hugs not drugs

2010-09-21T17:23:00.000-07:00

Me: You know who’s great? Tami Taylor.

Laura: Not as good as toni micelle

Me: Is that a drag queen based on Tony Danza’s character on “Who’s the Boss?”

Laura: Yesssss

Me: I knew it, your texts are so clear with their subtext

Laura: I never make mistakes. Just synchronistic delights

Me: That should be your DJ name

Laura: It sounds like a good name for a band that plays at places like Burning Man.

Me: or a band that plays at high school house parties

Laura: High school sucks

Me: another good name for a high school house party band

Laura: We should go back to high school just to suggest band names… and kick ass on history exams…

90s flashback: party of 1

2010-07-06T13:13:00.000-07:00

Laura: watching party of 5 rerun: god I forgot how angsty and depressing that show was.
Me: Jeremy London was on that show
Laura: holy shit I was just about to text you about Jeremy London. he's on right now! and neve campbell is pissed at him!
Me:Why?
Laura: Well, he DID read the letters she wrote to him when he was away but didn't react when she wrote that she broke up with Justin. What a pig.
Laura: So they talked it out... and Neve goes... you know that letter I sent you with my picture in it? it's OK if you put that by your bed. Gag.
Laura: motion to revisit party of 5 and gag about it. All in Favor?

Happy Birthday America

2010-07-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

Jason: Well, it's the 4th of July, so Sic Semper Tyrannus, suckas. And by suckas I mean George III.*

*Background: Jason and I were talking about the HBO show Rome and the contextual use of language (Italian vs Latin). I said, "Well, you know how I feel about staying true to proper latin". This was his response.

Sweep the leg

2010-06-16T18:17:00.000-07:00

ME: I'm watching the Kung Fu Kid on my laptop.
LAURA: Why?
ME: It's free. And kung fu is not about fighting it's about making peace with your enemies.
LAURA: True, kung fu is like the cold war strategy of mutually assured destruction
ME: You're the best around, until someone is just as good. And then it's an agreed upon draw.
LAURA: No one's ever gonna keep you down.
ME: Certainly not into 2nd place. Not when you know the ancient Chinese secret.
LAURA: Ancient Chinese Secret: Kung fu stolen from Japanese and rebranded
ME: So do you think for the sequel Dre will have to win the all Valley Tournament?
LAURA: God I hope so. Everyone knows that Valley Karate is top notch
ME: It's the best around.

ABC Family, I just can't quit you

2010-06-16T15:13:00.000-07:00

ABC Family has a new show called 'Pretty Little Liars', hence forth know as PLL. It's a show of 16 year olds all pent up with sexual energy and secrets. So, it's a lot like SLotAT, but the actors are more attractive, and they don't so much talk about sex all the time, as almost have sex all the time. The second episode was on last night. Curious as to what it was about, well then read on…

Previously on PPL…. Allison is the bitchy ‘leader’ of a group of 15 year of girls. One stormy night, she goes missing. Cut to one year later. Aria, Emily, Spencer and Hanna are no longer a close knit group of friends because secrets drove them apart. And it looks like the girls are still keeping secrets. Emily like girls in that sleep away camp hiding under the covers kind of way, including the new neighbor, Maya. Spencer wants to make out with her sister’s fiancé. Hanna steals things to fill the hole left by her absentee father and boozy mother. And Aria is an old soul that has struck up a forbidden romance with the new/hot English teacher, Mr. Ezra Fitz. Oh, and someone named ‘A’ is sending all the girls text messages messing with their minds and threatening to expose their secrets.

This week on PPL. Allison’s body is discovered and the girls are questioned by the police. They are freaked out b/c they were drinking the night of her disappearance, and they don’t want to get in trouble. Oh, and then there’s the ‘Jenna Thing’. Jenna is some blind chick that shows back up in town, looking fabulous by the way – except for those dark glasses, which are also pretty great. But no one wants to talk about the ‘Jenna Thing’ because they could get in a lot of trouble. But the ‘Jenna Thing’ was all Allison’s fault, so why not just come clean now. “Well, that won’t bring back Jenna’s eyesight, so just keep quiet!” That Spencer, she’s so smart. The girls continued to act freaked out the whole episode, all turning to their various forms of inappropriate comfort.

Emily finds a way to get Maya to have a sleepover at her house so they can cuddle. Hanna goes shopping, but this time pays for everything – why because the only cop in town in playing ‘cops and robbers’ with her mom, and he seems a little bent on making these 4 girls come clean about something, anything… Spencer makes out with her sister’s British fiancé, like we didn’t see that coming. But that’s OK because her sister is kind of a douche. Aria and Ezra are trying to stay away from one another, but fate won’t let them. Her transfer request out of his class is DENIED. They both end up going to see ‘It happened one Night’ at the movies, because as we know all towns like to replay movies from the 40s. Aria just happens to get coffee while it’s raining, and Ezra just happens to pass by in his car so he can give her a ride. Good thing that particular situation isn’t rife with sexual tension. Oh wait, they end up making out in the car. I’m so surprised.

Next week, more texts and subtext. But when will the lines be crossed and the one cop in town finally get wise to the only actual crime being committed?

L&L Recaps (patent pending)

2010-06-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

Our Secret Shame is back, and there’s a lot to be shameful for. When we left the group of teenagers and their secret lives – Amy kissed Ricky so she could feel pretty, Adrian had revenge sex with Ben with a broken condom, the wonder twins would not stop gossiping about everyone, Blossom made me TV embarrassed for her and her new career trajectory, George made more terrible decisions, and Ashley made out with the pizza boy. Oh and Ashley GBF took Jonathan from Who’s the Boss to the sausage king’s wedding!

So, where are we now… Adrian is pregnant, but only Ashley knows because Adrian plans to ‘take care of it’ and doesn’t want Ben to stop her and Grace to try and save her soul. Amy is dressing slutty because Ben loves her and now that Ben has had sex, she can only keep him interested by dressing like she has terrible taste. But who are we kidding.. she always had terrible taste, am I right? Ricky is acting weird toward Ashley, telling her not to sleep with her pizza boy quasi boyfriend, which can only mean that Ricky wants to sleep with her. It turns out, the pizza boy, who we shall from now on call “BDS” – short for Bag of Dog Shit, is a total creepy stalker. You know how I know? He is transferring to UGHS so he can make Ashley his real girlfriend. Even Ashley’s GBF thinks it’s a bad idea.

Jack’s parents are moving to Arizona and don’t want to take Jack with them. Hey, I don’t blame them. Jack sucks. (PS Jack’s step mom sucks too, she’s Pam the vampire from True Blood… see what I did there?) (side bar - Did you notice that jack’s dad kept calling her his mom? That was weird.) So now Jack has to find a place to live. Oh, and since he didn’t give Madison a present when he told her I love you, he can’t live with them. Ann is trying to be a parent by letting her kids be responsible for themselves, which George just doesn’t understand, mostly because responsibility completely escapes him. Oh, and now Blossom has offered Amy the chance to attend the Nabokov Music School for Young Women in NYC for 4 weeks. Oh goodie, another chance to ditch her kid and run away. Also, Nabokov… school for young women. Really SLotAT? Really?

Secrets Save

2010-06-07T17:08:00.000-07:00

ME: I’m 2 minutes in to the Amish movie, and one of the Amish girls hides something in the vent of the baseboard. Since when do Amish have central air and heat?

Laura: That this curious about the vents, Amish should have no AC and no secrets

ME: Not at least until Rumspringa

Laura: And then you are just a sad idiot in a Metallica t-shirt

ME: On meth

Laura: Which Amish movie is this again?

ME: Saving Sarah Cain, the one about the news reporter that has to raise her dead sister’s Amish kids.

Laura: Sarah, prepare to be saved, by Amish meth head children in Metallica t-shirts.

ME: And their secrets

Laura: Secret #1, they have air conditioning

An open letter to Ted Mosby

2010-06-04T16:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Ted –

You are about my age, and you claim to be an Architect. I too claim to be an Architect, but that is because I graduated with a degree in Architecture and practice in the field. I am not licensed, as I suspect you aren’t either. So, technically – neither of us are really Architects – are we Ted? So let’s cut the bullshit.

In main stream television and movies there are so many examples of young professionals that have exciting jobs and grand sounding titles. They seem to live in amazing apartments and have fabulous wardrobes. They are running departments, getting promotions, starting their own fashion labels. But not you Ted. You have roommates, and wear flannel and though you live in New York City – only go to one bar, night after night.

You spout theory and point out design aesthetic to anyone within earshot. You build scale models, for fun. You’ve yet to realize that none of your friends care about why the Christians of the middle 15^th century developed a style called the ‘Gothic’. (PS, it’s because they liked to wear black lipstick and complain about pop music). Even though ALL my friends are fake architects, we don’t even talk about these things. And the last model any of us built was probably made with LEGOs or creamer packets while waiting for breakfast at IHOP.

Every time I think about how I’m not reaching my potential, I just need to look to you ted, my professional equal. You don’t have a title either (guess what, you’re not a professor, you’re faking that too – but I’ll let a real professor write that open letter), you don’t have a significant other, and you don’t make enough money to live on your own. And when you ARE talking about architecture, you talk out of you’re ass most of the time.

I’m not about to premier my own line at Bryant Park, I am not the administrative director at Hampton’s Heritage, nor am I even the head chef at some awesome restaurant somewhere. But at least I’m not a douche.

This makes me feel better, so thank you

Beauty and the Bullshit

2010-04-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

The latest ABC Family movie was a Hillary Duff vehicle called “Beauty and the Briefcase.” I shall summarize it for you, so that you do not have to rot certain parts of your brain and watch it.

It opens with a young, thin attractive young woman in New York complaining that she can’t find a boyfriend. Basically, she states all the men are either taken, crazy or gay. She doesn’t mention however that she herself is a little crazy and has a list of ten things that her “magic man” must meet. Just so you know, one of the things on her list, is “take me away to exotic places on a whim”. So she’s crossed off her list all dudes that are on a budget, and also added all dudes that probably want to rape her. Nice going Hills.

Oh, and she’s a writer for a fake fashion magazine; but she wants to work for Cosmo. She and roommate even have a wall altar to Cosmo. That’s right they hung a Tiki mask on the wall and glued Cosmo covers to the wall all around it in the bedroom. Um. Jesus is not cool with that. Also, have you read Cosmo lately? I have. One of their latest articles was a list of 50 new and exciting things to do with my boobs. And one of one of those exciting things was just to look at them from another angle. Thanks Cosmo!

Hillary gets her meeting with an editor at Cosmo and it doesn’t go well. She doesn’t not impress them with her idea about hip new coats. Shocking. But as she is being escorted to the elevator and both thin pretty women are complaining about their lack of boyfriend’s a story idea is discovered, and Hillary is going undercover! She will work in the business world for 4 weeks and find love. Men in suits will be a gold mind for her. Because 4 weeks will be all it will take for a girl like her to find love in the bland world of business. But she can only date guys in suits. Suits. The editor makes that very clear. God I hate the premise of this movie.

She easily gets a job as an assistant at an investment firm – and starts on Monday morning! In a huge firm she is almost the only female working there and the only one that wears color. Somehow I don’t believe this – but we must in order for the plot to work, or and for her to get a date ON HER FIRST DAY! She dates a bunch of dudes in suits at the firm but doesn’t earn a bad reputation. Sure. She even meets a nice guy that seems to be a good match for her. But forget about him, his ABC Family show was canceled 2 seasons ago, so his screen time doesn’t matter. Maybe if Kyle XY had been picked up their office romance might have gone somewhere.

She can’t be bothered with him because she has recently met Chris Charmack. The kryptonite to young starlets in all ABC Family movies. They fall for him every time. But never fear. They eventually see through his crap, but it’s usually after the audience has gone hoarse from yelling at them to get wise and see the character for what he really is. An A-hole. This time he gets drinks thrown on him. So that’s cool. She should have known it wasn’t a good idea to date him, he didn’t wear a suit.

Hillary somehow gets “good” at her business job and making presentation looks better with “visuals” and presentation boards. Which the dudes in suits never thought of. Oh, and at some point she creates a board for something that looks exactly like the cover of Cosmo, but let’s not split hairs on intellectual property or why/how that applies to investment banking in any way.

The presentation she helps with doesn’t go very well because the firm is hemorrhaging money and people will probably need to be fired, but the big boss liked the “visuals” very much – but wait! Hillary’s boss has an idea to save the company millions of dollars if they “go green”. Hazzah!

Hillary doesn’t fall in love with a dude in a suit in 4 weeks, but she does write a COVER story for Cosmo (even though she’s a first time writer for the magazine, and I’m sure that never happens). Oh, and for some reason they put her photo on the cover, shot by her super unprofessional friend, that seems to only shot things in their apartment.

Oh, and the editor of Cosmo let’s Hilary in on a secret – she’s in love with Tom – her boss. Doy. So what does Hillary do? She interrupts a meeting at the investment firm and tells Tom – and all the business people in suits - that she loves him, and they kiss and he carries her out of the office a la Officer and a Gentleman. It was t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e. Good thing it wasn’t established early on in the movie that Tom didn’t have a girlfriend already, and therefore Tom would just be able to skip that whole awkward moment of “Hillary, maybe I should breakup with my girlfriend before I whisk you away in the middle of this meeting? Also, when they show the montage of me heading up the new “green division” do you think it a good idea to have (3) 36x48 full color boards mounted on foam core that really have no useful information just for “visuals” – b/c that doesn’t seem very green or fiscally responsible. But, I love you. Let’s go for a carriage ride in the park.

Oh Canada...

2010-03-01T12:31:00.000-08:00

Ice Skating:
Jason: this is a really long program
Me: I think it’s the “Men’s Long Program”
Jason: Well, it’s appropriately named, and that’s about all I can say about the “Men’s Long Program”

Ice Dancing vs 2 Man Luge brother sister pairs
Mark: Okay. Which brother/sister 'pairs' team is more awkward? Ice Dancing or 2 man Luge
Me: Yeah, ice dancing has a cruel intentions vibe. 2 man luge has a “we’re just stuck in this really crowded elevator, so let’s just get through this closeness for this short trip and not talk about it when we get to the lobby, and then maybe hit on some ladies in the hotel bar” vibe.

Closing Ceremonies:
Jason: Other than LB, who I was on the phone with at the time, did any of you watch the last half hour of the closing ceremonies last night? It was possibly the most uncomfortable half-hour of television since the first episode of The Office

Olympic Medals –
Matt: So I was going to send this to Jeanne only but I thought I'd share my geekdom with everybody and get a better ranking system in the process. I was bothered by the indeterminacy of the medal count and curious if
you weighted the relative values of the medal color who would come out ahead who would win the medal count. So I made an excel sheet. I started out with these weights:
* Gold- 3
* Silver- 2
* Bronze- 1
Ie. Gold is three times better than bronze. These were the results:
* USA- 70
* Germany- 63
* Canada- 61
Laura: Maybe, instead of giving the medals a 3-2-1 weighting, we should actually calculate the value of the metal themselves. Should all won Olympic medals be melted down and sold at market value – which would have the most money?
And that laissez faire approach is 100% American – USA USA USA!
Mike: The new weights work out to be:
Bronze (copper) 1
Silver - 82
Gold – 5581
Matt: New ranking:
• USA- 10296.3
• Germany- 11278.2
• Canada- 15743.5
I don’t like these findings therefore find them invalid. Can I do that?
Michele: of course. You are American.

That Heffa Crazy

2010-02-13T08:04:00.000-08:00

What do you get when you combine Project Runway, America's Next Top Model and RuPaul? Well, RuPaul's Drag Race of course. I knew this show existed, but honestly I did not feel a need to watch it. But today, Saturday morning at 11am, things have changed. If you have Logo, I encourage you to check it out; I'm not saying that one can survive a marathon, but at least 2 episodes in a row.

So far, this is my favorite scene, watching a group of men, in jeans and t-shirts standing around a stage in stripper heals practicing a pole dance routine. And the best part about RuPaul's involvement is that he gets to play Heidi, Tyra and Tim. It's all in the costume and wig change. When he's Tim he's wearing a cravat. When he's Heidi she's wearing the sleek blonde wig, when she's Tyra she's wearing the blown out blonde wig. There subtle changes, so keep an eye out for them.

Tacos, Tacos, Tacos

2010-02-03T16:52:00.001-08:00

Last week on SLotAT all the girls decided that they didn’t want to have sex with the boys – this week they decided that that was a terrible idea and now all they want to is go out with them while wearing pretty clothes.

Jimmy’s in town. Who’s Jimmy – it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s a boy that has taken Amy out on a few dates and calls her Pimento. He activates my gag reflex. Amy goes up to Ashley’s room t get her opinion on her date outfit, and somehow an eggplant dress and oversized blazer makes Amy look “hot” and triggers Ashley to tell Amy to take a condom. This odd role reversal of little sister into big sister is disconcerting especially since Amy is the mother, and Ashley is the virgin with a velvet bag of condoms with “condoms” written in script on it.

Amy and Jimmy go out to dinner and sit on the same side of the booth. This makes just enough room for the Wonder Twins on their double date with Jack and extra #2 to join. The Wonder Twins activated their superpowers of awkwardness and cranked it up to 11 as soon as they sat down. Amy and Jimmy high tail it out of there to “park” somewhere.

Cut to Ben to who has finally decided to become a man – and who makes a man out of every boy on this show. ADRIANE! I know, I know. If only. No, of course I’m talking about Grace. He has a date with Grace. But they don’t go anywhere; just hang out at her house. And thank god her asshole brother and sex crazed mother are out of town so they can just be normal and sit on the couch and chat. Too bad Grace had to shoot her mouth off before their date and tell Jack all about it, so just as Amy says goodnight to Jimmy she gets a phone call from the WT that Ben and Grace had a couch date! Oh No!

Another couple that had a night in was Rickie and Adriane that stayed home to eat a home cooked meal and watch John. It was a long night of washing dishes and rocking the baby to sleep, so Adriane had to sleep over (on the couch of course). Adriane’s parents weren’t too pleased when she got home in the morning. Mostly because her mom just wanted to tell her the awesome news that her and her father were going to get married! Now they can finally have hat traditional Mexican wedding in the backyard (Adriane’s own words). Too bad Adriane’s mom is Columbian. Ah, public school education, they’re all the same right?

Ashley spent the night talking to an ugly pizza boy that happens to be a cousin of her Gay Best Friend. He just wanted to stare at her all night, oh and smell her too. It was creepy, and I’m hoping she isn’t seduced by his free pizza and company vehicle.

There was a story line with George and Molly – but it was retarded, and I don’t want to waste our time together with writing about it. At the end of the day both of them continued to be terrible parents and only consider themselves and not their deeply troubled children.

If you want to sing out. Sing out.

2010-01-27T18:03:00.000-08:00

Me: I'm so glad we're not the kind of friends that break into song at random intervals or during inner monologues

Laura: We're not?

Me: No.

Laura: Oh.

Laura: This is awkward.

This is not your father's candyland

2010-01-25T15:48:00.000-08:00

Me: Laura and I were talking yesterday about a new game for Schmurvitz Industries – it will be based on Clue, but have more of a James Bond type theme. For example rooms will include the control room, and can all be accessed by the TGV. I came up with a player called Agent Orange. And all the ways you die are very intricate and implausible – hence the name of the game

Jason: So… what’s the name of the game?

Laura: Implausible trap - Which is also a method of killing someone. You know, like tying them to a boom hovering over a shark tank, which is lowered ever so slowly by the dripping beads of the sweat of its intended victim. It takes about 9 hours, allowing the villain to go catch the end of Ally McBeal.

Me: I think full body cancer should also be included in our game somehow. We talked about the game pieces that you can use a weapons – poison (of course), we thought a tiny mustang might be good.

Laura: I want a stiletto heel. It would appeal to both women, and gay men. Also, one of the methods of killing was to give someone VD.

Jason: I must say VD does not sound like a very efficient method of assassination.

Laura: Exactly, and neither is an implausible trap.

Jason: Clearly I forgot about the implausible part.

Me: Get your head in the game Kasparek. Or we might try and burn it off with a focused laser beam that uses the light of the sun bounced off the cliff of a mountain and you have to be standing in just the right spot at just the right time after a series of events which began with the kidnapping of Mary Margaret.

Jason: For the purposes of the game, I think she should be called Sister Mary Margaret

Tim: What if your villain used his chemical company to develop a mutant rapidly developing form of VD. So the hero is forced to watch as his comely liaison from the previous scene dies in agony from a case of exploding spider herpes. Then since he is guarded by only 1 inept guard he escapes and uses your laser beam technique to cure himself and the rest of the villains infected harem. Or burn his junk off, it all depends on a roll of the dice… your turn!

Laura: I would also like to employ some sort of carpenter ant coffin – victim being smeared with honey, of course.

Jason: I would also like to add Helena Lumpycurd as a potential character.

Me: Is she a technician at the local power plant that also has an extensive knowledge of the upper echelon of society but does not live in their world. Or perhaps she is an older lady that loves collecting Faberge eggs using them to smuggle in priceless butterflies into the country.

Jason: Killer butterflies, I think.

Me: Naturally

Tim: I think Venice Italy should also be a “room”. It’s connected by the TGV (or the Italian counterpart but who cares) and seems to be full of clandestine hideouts.

Jason: As an aside, I’m wondering if Schmurvitz would be willing to license my previous brilliant game invention, Commie Commie Hippos?

Me: Is that the game where there are only 4 marbles and each hippo is only allowed to eat one?

Tim: I was thinking there would be a Chinese hippo that was small but made 2 commies for every 1 it ate, and irritated the Soviet hippo to know end. The Soviet Hippo, would be twice as big as all the other hippos but 1 out of every 2 commies it ate would disappear in Siberia. The Yugoslav hippo wouldn’t work too well, and the Cuban hippo would start our very efficiently but would slowly crumble and would only be able to eat commies made before 1968

Me: What you mean it that they are eating MARBLES not commies. This isn’t a Commie zombie apocalypse version of Commie Commie Hippos.

Jason: But there is a good point here that perhaps another game would be Hungry Hungry Zombies, with Zombies instead of Hippos, and the marbles painted like Brains. And perhaps there is also a game that is Hungary Hungary Hippos, which is for tourists in Budapest.

And that's all I have to say about that

2010-01-13T18:01:00.001-08:00

The Money Pit is a hilarious movie.

Awseome Blossom

2010-01-06T08:17:00.000-08:00

It’s a new season of Secret Life, and a few things have changed since we left the soon to all be in therapy teenagers…

Ben is back from Italy, and really wants to break up with Amy – but doesn’t want to break up with Amy. Or maybe he just wants some time to himself so he can throw up in the boy’s room without someone nagging him about how she was throwing up all the time when she was pregnant and he needs to man up and get her a smoothie.

Ben’s in luck because Amy isn’t in town. She and her mother (no longer puffy) Molly Ringwald skipped town with their babies to “get away from it all”. Oh and to take care of Mimsy. After giving birth in her bedroom with only her inept ex-husband to attend to her needs, Molly decided she needed a new hair cut. And boy is it a haircut. I’m not sure what happened on the set of SLotAT but I’m pretty sure someone got a hold of a Flowbee and decided to give all the adult women on the show bangerific new hairdos. Why they agreed we will never know. Maybe Molly and Josie lost a bet that had something to do with seeing who could make Ricky cry first.

Speaking of Ricky, I’m not sure he ever actually goes to class. He’s there just as Ben comes out of the boy’s room after puking, and tells him a)you can’t break up with Amy and b)let’s skip school and hang out. Ben doesn’t want to skip school, but I’m not sure why, he’s already skipped at least one class with his antics in the bathroom, so what’s a few more? And wouldn’t you know it, Cro-Magnon man Jack just happens to be walking by (without a hall pass) and wants to skip school too. I guess Jack just can’t get his head in the game after Grace un-gracefully tried to polish his other head.

Grace is in chemistry with Adrianne and talking about her failed attempt to check her hormones at the door like Jesus told her. After the bells rings the girls find out that Ben, Ricky and Jack all left school. They find this out from the fake ID kid that I’m pretty sure spy on all these kids from the vents and seems to only appear when he needs to act as the modern version of the Chorus in an ancient Greek tragedy.

Well, the ladies will NOT let this injustice stand. Why should the boys get to skip school and not them? So they decide to leave and go and find their mens. Monotone Ashley and her gay boyfriend happen to be in the area, and they want to go too. Good think Adrianne has a car so she can take all the ladies on this adventure.

As they leave, the sidekicks notice that they are once again being left out of the A plot and want to tag along. So the 40 yr old Asian woman, her bewildered Asian boyfriend and the Wonder Twins that bought some Wonder bras over the break are in the third car.

Enter the Chorus, I mean fake ID kid. He goes into the counselor’s office to fill in the new lady with all she needs to know about what’s going on with the gang. He’s hoping this information trade will allow him to cash in a favor later. Maybe when she finds out he runs a fake ID business out of the school library on the weekends. And who replaced the football coach as the new counselor? I think she looks familiar – could she be a grown up Blossom? Is it possible that this was the show that Mayim Bialik was looking for to leave her Orthodox Jewish choir at UCLA? I must be because there she sits in all her glory.

She will not let this truancy stand. She is an upstanding educator and she cares about the well being of these kids. Well, at least NOW she does. I guess she got fired from her last job for going to prom with one of her students. And we all know what happens at prom…

She starts calling all the kids on their cell phones to tell them the jig is up. But the kids have no idea who she is because this is her first day, and they were all babies when Blossom was a top rated show (Whoa!). She also calls their parents, only the dads show up. Except Grace’s dad because she killed him, remember.

The dads bond over being total douchebags in their past and present, especially when it comes to raising children. It’s a nice moment. For a second there I was almost thinking that ABC Family should do a show just with these dads, maybe call it “Papa Don’t Preach.”

Before the kids all come back to the school they do make it to the beach – where Ben’s “friend” from Italy finds him and jumps into his arms and wraps her legs around his waist she so excited. I think Ben rode more than just a scooter when he was in Italy, but we will have to wait for confirmation on that.

Grace and her mom have a talk about Grace’s inability to keep her legs and mouth closed. I guess as soon as Bo Duke died the Bowman women were finally free to explore those sexy taboos that Jesus tells us all is a sin, including self love. That’s right Banging Bowman (Grace’s mom) encourages her daughter to “take matters into her own hands” if she must – I mean she does it so it must be OK.

Here’s what I think we can look forward to this season. Ben and Amy FINALLY breaking up, Ben hooking up with Adrianne, you know because their friends and that what Adrianne does with her friends. Grace starting some kind of club or meeting encouraging other teens to love thine own self. And the sidekicks to never again be involved in the A plot. No one likes them anymore. Oh, and George finding out that Molly’s baby is not his, ruining Ashley world forever which sends her into a tailspin in which she sleeps with her gay best friend who isn’t actually gay just biding his time until Ashley is vulnerable and naked.

James Cameron pitches Avatar

2009-12-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

Listen – this is what I want to do. Take a group of warrior people that live on mineral rich land, and then let’s take some American’s that want to drive them off this land and take the land and the mineral rights.

BUT here’s what makes this idea new and fresh – the US will put an injured spy into the native camp who then becomes a native sympathizer and fights WITH them not AGAINST them.

Wait, that’s not the original part.

We will dress him up to look like the natives, and he falls in love with one of them.

Damn, that’s not original either.

What if we make the movie 3 hours long.

Crap, I just pitched Dances with Wolves didn’t I.

We wine a lot

2009-12-10T16:33:00.000-08:00

Me: I like to think of my 20s as the table read of life. Things don't really count until my 30s

Laura: I'm destined to table read until I die, at least that's what I gathered from my performance review this morning.

Me: You will always have a place in my sitcom as the sassy friend with great hair. Our first full dress rehearsal is in Napa.

Laura: Napa... where you know some sweet wine infused hi-jinx will ensue. I'll bring my tide pen.

Me: Good. Because we don't want to look like assholes with stains on our clothes.

Laura: No this is not "Ugly Betty"

Inappropriate Snowman

2009-12-09T14:05:00.000-08:00

The other day my friend emailed me a link to this video posted on Mamapop. Too funny not to pass along. You’re welcome.

But, speaking of inappropriate snowman, check this shit out.

This is a photo from my office lobby. Why is it inappropriate you ask? Well, simply because this display is in the lobby of a building in Orlando. The average LOW in Orlando doesn’t dip below 40 degrees. In case you forgot, water freezes at 32degrees, and you need frozen water to even begin to make a snowman. The only snow we get here is if we pay an additional $59 to participate in Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party every Friday at the Magic Kingdom where the Disney staff will shave ice and blow it over Main Street to give Yankees the Winter Wonderland Christmas experience they all know and love while wearing shorts and eating ice cream. Here in Florida we start turning the heat on if the temperature dips below 60 degrees.

And yet the stores are decorated with the typical winter scenes from up north; snowflakes, snow men, people all bundled up in coats/hats/gloves, even the roaring fire place. Most homes in Florida don’t even have a fire place. Apparently we are so desperate to recreate a vision of a Thomas Kincade Christmas, that we have found a way to have outdoor ice skating rinks. In Orlando.

I suspect that most of these rinks are made not of frozen water (what with today’s high being 83 degrees and all), but of synthetic ice. I’m basing this conjecture on the fact in my youth I skated on a plastic outdoor ice skating rink and I for a while didn’t know that real ice skating rinks existed. Cut to me 5 years later freezing my ass off at a ice skating party in Omaha, Nebraska.

Fun fact – I grew up in Florida and the first time I saw snow was when I was 13, after we moved to previously mentioned Omaha. I HAD however participated in a snowball fight 4 years earlier due to the aforementioned need for Floridians to reproduce a Winter Wonderland Christmas. A local radio station was sponsoring a snowman building contest at a hotel (not real snow, shaved ice of course). I think it was 60 degrees outside. Well the temptation was too great crowded around the mound of melting ice shavings not to ball up a snowball and throw it across the corner. However, being that I had never seen snow, and did not know how to make a snowball – my mother made it for me (she grew up on the mean streets of Detroit). I believe my mother was the one that also encouraged me to make the snowball to begin with – but I digress. I tossed the shaved-ice ball; it didn’t make it very far before falling apart. It did however make it far enough to catch the eye of a few other audience members. They made their own versions of a Florida snowball and the Sheridan Snowball Fight of ’89 effectively ended the Annual Sheridan Snowman Competition. You’re welcome.

I love a good Venn Diagram

2009-11-24T18:16:00.000-08:00

My friend Jason passed along this new website, OverthinkingIt.com, which I have now wasted countless hours on - and I only discovered it hours ago. They linked to this other website clusterflock.com that posted the below venn diagram

How could I NOT share this?

I'm Batman.

2009-11-19T10:04:00.001-08:00

Darth: Listen Popeye – No. Seriously, I’m only going to go over this one more time. I asked you to come over here and sit with me so we could talk this over and I could explain the nuances of the task at hand.

Popeye: *sigh*

Darth: #1, Stop looking at my bag, I’ve already told you that you can’t have it. You CHOSE to carry a “spinach” can as your receptacle for gathering the goods for this evening. I can’t help you there. #2, Speed is key tonight. We need candy – lots of it, I think everyone can agree on that point.

Popeye: I’m older than you.

Darth: Sure, Sure. But I know how to use the Force, do you?

Popeye: No, but the Force isn’t real. And how do I know you’re the REAL Darth Vader, I saw like 4 other Darth’s running around this same neighborhood. But, I’m the only Popeye. What do you have to say to that?

Darth: Well, I have more candy than them, so I WIN.

Popeye: Come on Olive Oil…

Olive Oil: Sorry, I was just talking to Batman. He’s cute don’t you think? Can we keep him?

Is this what the kids are texting about?

2009-11-12T17:11:00.000-08:00

Laura: (refering to Miley Cyrus)I heard her new song on the actual radio this morning...and...um...it is awesome

Me: She has a new song - or is that awful Party in the USA?

Laura: that's the one. I guess I'm late "to the party"

Me: You are Tardy to the Party

Laura: I'm gonna put my hands up and say what-what anyways.

Me: Is the DJ playing your favorite song?

Laura: the one by jay-z/britney...yeah...just like how i move my hips

Me: Her lyrics speak to every level of the class system

Laura: so long as you are fortunate enough to have hips and arms

Me: Well. Not everyone can write songs for the handicable

Laura: Miley is inaccessible - like every song Mercedes wants to sing... oh chocolate thunder

Me: She is a sassy black woman. Don't take that from her.

Laura: I'm just pointing out that smashin windows out your car is both obscure and grammatically incorrect

Just Bump It

2009-11-12T11:57:00.000-08:00

Kyle: You going to New Moon in 8 days?

Me: You know it. I already have my “Bella” costume for the midnight showing

Kyle: I’m just going to wear loads of body glitter and a trench coat.

Me: Good costume. I’m practicing on being full of angst and obsessive.

Kyle: Nice. I’m working on being a pale too-cool-for school douche. Much harder than I thought.

Me: Don’t forget to poof up your hair. You could probably use a “Bump It”

Keeping kids in the BC employed since 1980

2009-10-09T17:14:00.000-07:00

ME: Crap. I'm watching Degrassi. I need a boyfriend.
Laura: Maybe there's on hiding behind the couch.
ME: Just like Jesus.
Laura: Jesus would be an awesome boyfriend.

Canada, Oh Canada...

2009-10-01T13:30:00.000-07:00

Why don't I watch Degrassi? This damn show has been on the air for like 25 years! Well, actually it's only had 15 seasons, but spanning 25 years. Degrassi broke up with TV for like 10 years there in the early 90s, but then it came back with a vengeance - a lot like syphilis.

The show is produced in Canada, and stars all the great Canadian actors and actresses of our time. A few of them have even made it to shows on the CW – so you know they’re amazing at their craft.

But getting back to me – why don’t I watch this show again? I watch all the other crap that seems to fit right into this type of programming. Perhaps it’s because it’s Canadian. Nope, that’s not it. I’ve watched “The Best Years” and “Higher Ground.” Perhaps it’s because it’s on The N network. Sorry – they run mini marathons of “What I Like About You”, and hey, what DON’T I like about Amanda Bynes. Nothing. Maybe it’s because it’s about high school… who am I kidding, I LOVE shows about high school.

Can someone explain to me why Degrassi just can’t seem to make its way into my heart? Why this show? It’s seems to be popular. Hell, even Kevin Smith makes references to it in his movies. I’m not going to waste too much time trying to figure what why I can’t love this staple of Canadian teen culture, but when I see the commercials while I’m watching Amanda Bynes and Jennie Garth bicker like the sisters they were meant to play I wonder about it.

I just want to bang on the drum all day

2009-10-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

LB: I wish I was not at work. I almost said anywhere other than work. But there are plenty of places I would prefer NOT to be – like:
1. The inside of a worm* that’s a whole other story
2. In jail
3. A tannery
4. Europe during the plague
5. Louisiana

Laura:
6. Baggage claim
7. Trapped inside an elevator (which these days is almost the same as work)
8. The DMV

Jason
9. Watching Tyra Banks
10. On top of old Smokey, all covered with cheese

LB
11. Standing waist deep in a watering hole surrounded by hippos

Laura
12. Trapped in the garbage compactor on the death star

Jennifer's Body would be totally wrecked after a baby

2009-09-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

Guess what Lifetime did! They replayed Unwed Father, A Brian Austin Green Production. I guess David Silver read the script, decided that this was a story that HAD to be told, and had to be told by him. And I'm so glad.

I can't tell you that this movie was leaps and bounds better than the first 35 minutes of Nora Roberts Northern Lights. I can tell you that I was able to watch the movie until it's heartwarming conclusion - which is the best review I can give it.

After watching the movie I really believed that BAG loved being a father, and I kind of wished he was on in real life. The only problem with that is his current squeeze is Megan Fox and I'm quite certain she would be a terrible mother - at least initially. But then again, BAG was a terrible father initially. I mean "Jason" was a terrible father. And he really grew into the role.

Perhaps what I learned from this movie is that Megan Fox could be a great mother one day.

The movies of my Lifetime

2009-09-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

Faced with the prospect of nothing to watch this Tuesday evening, I came across on my cable guide the 1997 made for TV movie "Unwed Father" staring Brian Austin Green. The info button informed me that this was a twist on the classic tale of the single parent done wrong. Seems like BAG was just this freewheeling college student in a band when a one night stand turned into a lifetime of obligation when 1/2 his DNA was dumped on his door step. How will BAG juggle his classes, his band, and his women - all with a newborn?

Turns out I will never know. Only the IMDB message boards can hold the keys to these mysteries b/c the programmers at Lifetime chose to play "Nora Robert's Northern Lights" instead of "Unwed Father." I tuned in expecting to see an opening scene of a blurry college frat party, perhaps the camera angle slightly askew. What I got was a majestic panorama of Alaska. At first I thought, could Unwed Father be set in Alaska?

I can understand why they would want to play "Northern Lights", for it's rumored that this is the movie where LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian embarked on mutual extra-marital affairs. So far I've seen about 20 mins of this movie, and it's terrible. I can't confirm if it's more terrible than UNF. However here are a few reasons never to watch this movie -

A #1. It's a movie based on a Nora Roberts book

#2. Patricia Arquette is in it, and plays the "town slut" - really what other part does she ever play these days.

#3. There is a party held at the local rec. hall. Even though it's in January in Alaska all the women are wearing spaghetti strap dresses. I don't care how insulated your rec hall is, or how high you have that heat cranked up. January in Alaska is cold, even indoors. Totally takes you out of the movie.

#4. The movie has LeAnn Rimes acting. She's worse than Particia.

#5. Before Eddie and LeAnn meet, every time they catch each other's eye - sappy instrumental music plays. I'm sure in their spouses' minds it was foreboding baroque style music.

#6. 35 mins into the movie LeAnn's character asks Eddie's character if he wants to have "hot, wet, sex with her." I turned off the movie at that point.

There's never any time

2009-09-22T07:38:00.000-07:00

Can you call in a non-emergency noise complaint on nature? Because if you could, I would have done so last night on the crickets that are living in the nature surrounding my apartment. Sure crickets are helpful bugs in that they eat other bugs. But you know what – they are too damn jumpy and loud for their own good. You can’t catch a cricket and you can’t shut a cricket up (Unless you’ve caught a cricket –which is impossible, and remove one of its legs; which just seems cruel).

Crickets are weird in that they make this annoying sound in order to attract a mate. How did this sound evolve over time as an attractive sound? Here’s what I think happened approximately an eon ago –

Jeff (to the other males in his group): Hey, I guess what I can do?

Other males (upon hearing annoying noise): That is so cool! That is going to totally annoy Angela, and she will love it!

Angela (to the other females in the group): What the f*ck is that noise?

Eventually for the good of the swarm Angela mates with Jeff just to shut him up. Like ya do. Jeff then tells all his buddies about his new technique for getting the ladies, and a new evolutionary mating call is born.

Thanks a lot Angela. Because of you I had to take a caffeine supplement this morning in order to stay awake at my desk.

Gleaming the S Cubed

2009-09-21T07:34:00.001-07:00

As you know I watch the Secret Life of the American Teenager – or as I call it, My Secret Shame. Well, there are more shameful shows out there. Let’s call them my super secret shame (S cubed). These shows can all be clumped together because they are all on the same network. Can you guess which one? Fox? Sure they currently have 3 primetime cartoons in their lineup – but no. CBS with their powerhouse Two and A Half Men staring Duckie from Pretty in Pink? Guess Again. The Hallmark Channel? OK, I will own up to the Hallmark Channel from time to time.

Sadly, I am a woman, almost in her 30s that watches the fine television programming on the Disney Channel. Hannah Montana, I stop every time it’s on. Wizards of Waverly Place, you betcha. Sonny with a Chance; oh Demi Lovato you’re so charming. JONAS – I’ve seen an episode or two. Suite Life on Deck – I admit that’s one I CAN’T watch. Those twins from Big Daddy are just not cute anymore, and by far the worst over actors from the Disney bunch. And I can’t stand Raven, but all the others, I’m on board.

Each show follows the same basic formula of chastity and family bonding – true to Disney core values. It’s as sappy as Full House, but with jaunty musical numbers peppered in to spice things up. I can’t recommend these shows to anyone. When viewed with a critical eye, they are terrible shows, with awful acting, and contrived tired plot lines. But if you are a 13 year old girl, I’m sure you will love them. Or if you are a 30 something woman that just misses the naiveté of the shows from your youth – tune in Sundays at 7pm for new episodes!

Season Ender

2009-09-08T05:08:00.000-07:00

Another season comes to a close for Secret Life of the American Teenager – or as I know it better – My Secret Shame. We pretty much came full circle on this one. Another baby was being born (Anne’s this time), Grace was back to “savin’ it for marriage, Jack was begging for a BJ from anyone that would give it to him, and Ben and Amy were trying to figure out how they felt about each other.

Once again the two most effed up people are the two most well adjusted people; Rickie and Adrian. Adrian decides she needs therapy, and she takes Rickie with her. But since this show can only afford some many actors at one time, she has “chosen” to go to Rickie’s therapist. Rickie and Adrian share and care, and they decide to have a sleep over as a first step toward some kind of expression of commitment. Slow down kids, don’t tattoo those rings on your fingers just yet.

Amy and Ben are a train wreck. Amy is still mean to everyone, and in this episode she made Rickie cry. Nice going Amy. I’m surprised she hasn’t driven Ben to drinking. George finally acted like the dad we all hoped he could be, perhaps it was the pain meds he’s on for his hurt arm that can’t seem to heal. He put a verbal smack down on our little Amy, so that felt good. I’m sure she won’t let his words of wisdom effect her actions in any way.

Ashley is turning into a timid little flower, and I don’t like it. At one point in this show she had some balls. But then she grew boobs and it’s been downhill ever since.

Grace’s mom has moved on. And all it took was 5 months and a younger man from a show on TBS. She was caught by Jack in the condom aisle with one of the actors from “My Boys” and really doesn’t seem to care about only grieving Bo Duke for a few months. I mean really, there is only so long you can expect Josie Bissett to act like she not getting any tail.

I’m looking forward to next season – which apparently starts in January. They showed a few scenes and one of them shows Rickie getting those ridiculous bangs out of Amy’s face. I can only hope he follows this up with “Amy, seriously. Fix your hair. How can you take care of our son if you can’t even see him?”

In a nutshell

2009-07-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

Secret Life, Episode 4 and 5 recap

So, I didn't recap last Monday's SLotAT. Sorry. How about a two-fer this week. Two recaps for the price of one.

Ben's dad has offered him a chance to spend the summer in Bologna Italy (or as George would say, It-ly). My guess is that the Sausage King of SLotAT thinks that a summer in Bologna will help Ben grow that spine he so desperately needs. Ben thinks summering in another country will finally get him away from his mega bitch girlfriend. I'm guessing his dad could have said - "I want you to work in a Korean Quick-E Mart in East LA this summer" and Ben would have jumped at the chance. Once MBG (aka Amy) finds out the Ben might give her a chance to break the chains of teenage motherhood and get out of the house, she insists that she also be allowed to go to Italy. Ricky on the other hand points out the fact that she can't leave the country with HIS son or a passport. Damn international travel laws and idiotic 15 year olds.

Ricky in the last two episodes has grown up a bit. He has asked Adrian to only have sex with him and asked the Sausage King for more hours at the butcher shop so he can become emancipated and get his own place. I would want to move out a loving home with a mixed race couple that took me out of the abusive foster care system as well. Good thing the King has an apartment over the meat shop that is vacant and Ricky can live there for free. It's funny how things keep working out for Ricky. I think Brenda has a crush on him.

Grace and Jack still aren't having awesome sex that kills dads. But they are still talking about it. So that's awesome. The other thing they are talking about... George's vasectomy. Rather the secret that George didn't actually get a vasectomy. George apparently told Grace so that they could bond and she could get over that fact that she killed her dad. George is the worst Dad ever, not only so his own children but other's childern as well. Jack and Grac ended up telling the "whole school" about fertile George. I'm beginning to think that the "whole school" that everyone keeps talking about is really only the main cast and about 15 people from Canadian Central Casting.

Molly is expanding at a rate of a woman pregnant with twins (see last week’s People for that news story - congratulations Molly). Her super rich and super infertile boyfriend has proposed marriage to her because he thinks "it's a miracle" that she is pregnant with his baby. Clearly he isn't a member of the "whole school" population. They all know that the baby growing inside Molly is George's. Poor David.

Oh, and according to the writers at SLotAT the people of Bologna are apparently known for giving oral freely and frequently. Really? Really. Wikipedia cannot confirm this fact, so my guess is that one of the writers went there for a few weeks after graduation and all his buddies lied to him and told him they all got head, and oh my god he didn't, how odd - Bologna is KNOWN for that!

What did we learn this episode

2009-07-08T13:54:00.001-07:00

Secret Life, Season 2, Episode 3 recap

1. Adrian and Ricky have been fuck buddies since freshman year and exclusively for some time now – but this apparently isn’t enough of a commitment to go on a date together to a funeral.

2. Amy’s premature balding is really becoming a problem, because she has a SERIOUS comb over. It’s worse than Zach Ephrons. She can’t stop brushing her bangs aside. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to make her look older, but it just makes me want to give her a barrette.

3. The Wonder Twins think they were friends with Grace (as does the rest of the school apparently), as they think it is appropriate for them to attend her father’s funeral. Turns out anyone who’s anyone is going. Dr. Bowman’s funeral is the new kegger. Expect the only one that showed up drunk was Jack. Terrible kegger.

4. Ricky is the only one with the power to make Grace attend this epic funeral. Another classic “man-up” speech from Ricky. How many people need to tell this girl to put her big girl pants on? Apparently a few, because she decided to wear a mini dress to a funeral. Way to go Gracie, no need to pretend to look demure anymore. We all know the awesome sex you had with Jack killed your Dad. The best way to pay respect to him is to show up in a micro-mini to his funeral.

5. And when Bo Duke plans a funeral – boy does he do it up right. No only is the “service” on the church steps and not actually in the church – but then everyone takes golf carts to a small putting green to scatter his ashes while the choir sings “When the Saints Go Marching In.” Classic. I can see why Grace was having such a hard time trying to cope with the emotional toll this event was going to take.

Jewgingy

2009-06-29T19:24:00.000-07:00

Secret Life, 2.2 recap
Well Molly’s pregnant – and from the looks of it, she’s about 6 months pregnant. Although Brenda’s team of writers are making Molly’s character so clueless and demoralized in her own skin that she either didn’t know that she has been pregnant for 6 months or she’s carrying the new season John and Kate plus 8 (now with more tension and lawyers!) And the father of this miracle is David, the “architect” boyfriend. Secret Life is about to be blessed with a Jewish Ginger everyone! Someone start knitting a green yarmulke - red heads look GREAT in green.

Amy continues to be worst character on the show. She’s awful to everyone around her – calling her mother fat, her boyfriend weak, and her baby daddy as effective as a hot water bottle and a warm blanket when it comes to his impact on their child… well truthfully they ARE all these things, but those are not things you say to people’s faces’ Amy. Gosh, act like an adult and say it behind their backs. Despite this lovely demeanor Blue Balls Ben still wants to try and get in Amy pants. He even turns to Ricky for advice on “adult relations”. But unlike the teens on Brenda’s last show that could barely say sex much less allow any of their characters have it without being immediately kicked off for professional growth – these kids say sex every other word. Awesome. It’s almost like if they say it enough they might just totally comprehend all the emotional and physical consequences of sex. Totally. News flash, these characters are supposed to be 16; I didn’t even understand the emotional and physical consequences of waxing my eyebrows at that age… maybe if I talked about it more though.

Grace is dealing with her recent patricide by not wearing makeup or brushing her hair. Her mother is dealing with it by wearing a pashmina. Both expressions are a travesty of grief. Everyone’s trying to convince Grace that she didn’t kill her dad by committing a sin with her boyfriend. But only her mentally challenged brother had the nerve to say –listen up sissy, sure you killed dad but brush your hair and put your face on, Molly just brought us a relish dish.

As this season develops I think that the only redeeming characters are the 2 sluts – Ricky and Adrian. They seem to be the only ones with their shit together and seem to have the only stable relationship in the show. I’m sure this won’t last long. Then again – Adrian DOES talk about sex an awful lot, as well as have an awful lot of sex – so may she won’t get pregnant or kill anyone this season. But then again, maybe Ricky will end up in jail somehow. That should help destroy this promising season. Get to it Bren. You have very little work cut out for you.

babies, sex and death

2009-06-23T06:23:00.001-07:00

The second season première of Secret Life of the American Teenager was on last night.

Told you I couldn't help myself from watching crap television.

First of all, their lives aren't so secret. Everyone on this show knows what is going on with everyone else. I think the cast must have worked it into their contracts that they must all appear in every plot line together. And somehow the pregnancy of a sophomore in the band ties together the school sluts (boy and girl), the school Christians (boy and girl) the school Asians (boy and girl) and all their parents.

Since we left her last season Amy had the baby. Little baby John. In the mêlée that was the last few months of Amy's pregnancy - here's what happened. Amy and Ben pretended to get married, but got no farther than first base (because you know Amy and Ben are just 15). Amy's parents got a divorce (because George was stepping out on the puffy Molly Ringwald with the spicy flight attendant mother of the school slut - que "I learned it from watching you!"). Ricky tried to ingratiate himself in Amy's life for the sake of his unborn child while still acting like a man child himself. I see an Emmy in his future! Ben continued to act like a freak in love with a girl who is having another man's baby. The Christian girl continued to annoy and preach values to anyone that did not want to listen, and she some how decided that the next soul that needed saving was Ricky's. Somehow I think she began to believe that Ricky's soul was actually living in his pants, and before things got too weird God stepped in at the last minute and bought her back into the light - praise Jesus.

However Jesus didn't have control of that wheel for too long because in the season opener the Christian girl decides to finally give it up to the football player boyfriend (even though they aren't married, haven't graduated college, haven't gone to law school, and haven't asked permission from God). It's awfully bad timing because right after they are finished, her mom and brother have gotten home, and tell her that their father has died in a plane crash. Isn't that always the way. If it's not a teen pregnancy the first time you have sex, it's a parents death the first time you have sex. Way to send a positive message to the teens Brenda Hampton! I'm sure all the uncertain young girls out there are going to feel much better about their upcoming prom this spring with these potential consequences weighing on their minds.

An Afternoon Haiku

2009-06-22T13:59:00.000-07:00

Monday is for chumps
Pandora holds no comfort
Concentration lacks

I admit it....

2009-06-07T11:47:00.000-07:00

I admit it, television and movies have rotted my brain. You know what else they have done? They have pointed out to me that I am none of the following...

1. a young girl whose family is fighting with another family that just happens to have an eligible bachelor as a son.
2. a young reporter that takes an assignment I am not qualified for that will lead me to an eligible bachelor
3. a young woman whose needs to advance in her career but can't w/o a husband so hires an eligible bachelor
4. a young woman whose family does not employ any eligible bachelors.
5. a young woman that has not accidently met and charmed any princes.

Here are the reasons why I am none of the following above...
1. The only families we interact with are other families we’re related to, and to get involved with any of their single sons would be a Greek Tragedy that I am just not willing to endure.
2. Sadly I did not major in Journalism, and my current employer does not send people out on assignments - especially not undercover ones, which seems to have the greatest success rate.
3. There seem to be very little real world examples of needing a husband or boyfriend in order to get ahead. Damn woman's lib.
4. If only my family owned a large stately home, that needed a gardener, or stable boy, or farmhand. Or we had a driver, or a cook, or even a dog walker. But NOOOOOO we only have a local neighbor boy that mows the lawn (and no, he's not single).
5. I'm pretty sure all the real princes and even the pretenders are all taken. Eff.

I blame Piggy from "Lord of the Flies"

2009-04-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

Jeanne: so... i've been pretty out of it lately. what the hell is the swine flu? i can't find anywhere that's a quick rundown of what's going on. just lots of words that i don't care enough to read. can someone boil it down for me?

My response:

Step One:

Step Two:

Heidi Montage and Spencer Pratt after getting married go to Mexico for their honeymoon and have to wear facemasks while walking on the beach in their swimsuits

Step Three:

The media blows this whole thing out of proportion, and Egypt decides to kill all the pigs, and Russia decides to halt all pig imports from other countries. Even though swine FLU is a flu, and you can't get it from eating pork.

Dear Sookie Stackhouse

2008-12-23T13:44:00.001-08:00

I’ve been reading your story for about 2 years now, and I’ve watched your show on HBO. I feel like I know you, and I’m entirely invested in your future and your story. I don’t want you to get hurt, but I kind of like it when you do b/c it forces you to turn to one of your vampire exes for help, and they are both just so dastardly dreamy. I mean, really your choices are Eric vs. Bill? What a lucky gal. Of course, they are both dead, so that’s a notch in the “con” column. But Sam is just so … I’m sorry I just fell asleep thinking about him.

I think we can both agree that there is some serious shit happening in your life right now. First, the whole mind reading thing. Congrats on getting that sort of under control – but I think you need to work on reading vampire minds ASAP. Also, the vampires, shifters AND the FBI know about your mid reading. THAT can’t be good. Second, now that you found out your part fairy (and I don’t mean in the colloquially accepted definition of fairy, but actually a fairy fairy), I think you should play that up a little more. Could come in handy, or at least get you things. Finally, I think you need to demand to be on the payroll or something with the vamps. I mean they are constantly all up in your Kool Aid, and shifty Sam just isn’t paying you enough over at that bar. Plus, why does he make you wear that ridiculous outfit?

Speaking of your outfits – what the hell has the HBO wardrobe department done to you (and Tara for that matter)? To be fair, the clothes you wear in the book aren’t that great either, but you would think that the brass over at HBO would (along with all the other changes they made once they took this story from page to screen) have changed that detail. I’m just not a fan. Here’s hoping that once you get on the payroll over at Fangtasia, you buy some better threads.

I am anxiously awaiting the telling of the newest adventure in your life – due out next May. Apparently the shitfters are coming out of the closet – wait, that’s not right, coming out of the coffin – wait, that’s what the vampires used… coming out from under the moonlight? That sounds like a bad 60s song. It’s perfect.

Where’s my Coma Patient

2008-12-20T20:12:00.001-08:00

I watched a movie today on the Lifetime Movie Network called “Touched”. I’ll stop right there and let you gather yourself. I know I should have turned the channel. Number 1. Lifetime Movie Network. Really. Yes. I did. Number 2. Touched? Come one. But, I was home alone– waiting for laundry to dry, and as I covered in my second post – I have no shame or filter when it comes to TV viewing.

Jenna Elman stars as a nurse that has been caring for an attractive looking man in a coma (OMG it's Molly Ringwald’s baby daddy from “For Keep’s” (so THAT’s where he went!). There is a montage of her talking to him and gingerly giving him a shave, washing his arms and face, taking his picture (what? that’s weird Dharma, why are you taking his picture – he’s just lying there. Oh, and you’re taping it on the wall next to other Polaroid pictures you’ve taken. And they all look the same! Probably because he’s in a coma. You’re not going to pass you’re community center Photography class with this portfolio now are you?) Clearly Dharma – I mean Angela, has fallen in love with even though he’s essentially brain dead.

But then there’s a rainstorm – and the power goes out, and he wakes up. Because as we all know in a Lifetime movie all it takes to wake up from a 2 year coma is a little power outage and your respirator failing. Scott’s family comes to visit, and his dad is TOTALLY the dude from the X-Men movie that was the Senator that wanted to bag a tag all the mutants but then they turned him into mush. Scott’s all weird and a terrible actor. Angela’s is still freaked out that this dude is walking and talking and can’t quite handle it, so she repaints her apartment like 5 different colors to show us that she’s going through some tough times.

Daddy Mush comes to Angela’s house to hire her as a at home nurse to care for Scott, and it’s that just a dream come true for a girl that’s a night vision pair of binoculars and a recording of “Every Breath You Take” short of being a stalker. She moves in and starts “taking care” of Scott in all kinds of ways. Which include the ever popular medically approved methods of physical therapy of playing pool (even though Scott is in a wheel chair), going almost skinny dipping (they were in their underwear), and eventually having sex. Angela Martin – best nurse EVER.

Dad and Mom throw a party for Scott and just after the toast to his health he predictably collapses and is rushed to the hospital. Perhaps Nurse Martin should have read a few pages ahead in the script and realized that ole Scotty was bleeding into his brain and maybe she should have had him get an MRI and not a roll in the hay. The “doctors” don’t think he’s going to make it through the night, but something tells me they might be wrong. He flat lines, and Angela’s all – no, no, I loved you – thank you for loving me – blah blah blah… and wouldn’t you know it, he wakes up! And they live happily ever after. While watching this craptastic movie I saw previews for another winner. It’s a movie with the older daughter from Reba and Jason Priestly as competing wedding planners. I bet they fall in love…. It starts in 15 minutes.

Socially Akward

2008-12-20T18:58:00.000-08:00

Oh MySpace, you poor Social Networking website that had its heyday, and is now slowing dying under the crippling weight that is the asshole known as Facebook. I feel a little bad for you, really. You’re the Kmart to our Target. You were there first, but Target did it with so much more glamour and finesse that, well – you knew we would leave – not even Martha Stewart could save you (she went to jail, while Target snagged Todd Oldham and Isaac Mizrahi).
Sure I was forced to join both of these sites. And I’m no real “fan” of either – in fact all I do on Facebook is approved or “ignore” friend requests. But, MySpace – I can’t even remember my login in name – clearly the kids of America have spoken- or rather updated their status feeds on their Facebook pages…. “Susan is feeling awesome now that she has canceled her MySpace account and now only communicates with her 307 friends through this impersonal twitter like feed which she constantly updates from her new cell phone – which she only uses to send text messages and photos.”

I’m just not comfortable letting my 185 “friends” know what I am doing all the time, and how I am feeling. I can’t bring myself to accept any of the many application requests (what IS a little green patch anyway). And I’m SCHOCKED my work hasn’t blocked this site from our work computers yet.

So, while – yes, I prefer Target to Kmart I haven’t committed to getting the Target credit card, and buying the Target brand products. Maybe one day, I will figure out that Facebook is the wave of the future, and that I will have to jump on the band wagon. Resistance will be futile. Or maybe some other social networking site will come along next year and Facebook will begin to die, just like MySpace. And the two of them can sit in the corner kvetching about how they had it great one day, until that little bitch PlayGround came and “tagged” all their friends.

Tag – you’re it.

FU and your Top 10 Lists

2008-12-18T11:52:00.001-08:00

Why do people insist upon creating count down lists at the end of the year? The interweb is littered with them right now. All of my favorite websites have at least eleventy billion. Some are good, and some are not so much. I read them. And it continues to help me procrastinate as I muddle through this Thursday. I don’t want to make a top ten list of the year , but I fear I must. So, I was going to make a list of the things that my friends have said over email that have just made me laugh out loud in the past year, but I routinely delete my personal emails, because well, there is only so much room on our server. So, here is my Top 5 list from the past few months.

5. While discussing an impending baby shower with my friend's mom
Carole: Would it be in bad taste to serve alcohol if Jeanne can't drink?
Me: And we will be serving drinks. Jeanne’s knows better than that! We talked about this years ago! Women that don't allow drinks at their baby showers are just hateful b*tches,

4. Discussion about playing a video game on a X-box, in the on-line environment
Me: Um, I'm a little worried we have just coordinated a WOW (World of Warcraft) type party.

Jason: Which is too bad, because not having those types of parties was the last thing
keeping me from a total geek.
Let’s see:
· I live in a basement
· Am single
· Think of a “nice time out” as going to bar and being in bed by midnight
· My hobby is curling
· Have a cat

Uh, yeah…..Add “participates in online video game parties” and I’m pretty sure I’m one step away from the guy who works at the comic book store and goes to Star Trek conventions. Yup, total girl bait now, I am

ME: I like that you finished that up in Yoda speak - well done.

Jeanne: the star wars reference totally sealed the deal for you.

Jason: Sadly, it wasn’t intended to be one. *sigh*

3. Jeanne was without the internet for a day, she wrote us haikus
Jeanee: i wrote a hiku to show how distressed i am right now:

Oh noes! Internet!
Why have you forsaken me?!
Fall down and go boom.

Without Cracked, Slate, or Blogger,
Only source of amusement
Writing terrible Hikus.

Internet is a giant fail.
help me help me help me help
no work without N P R.

Ipod boy wants to
Talk about his new life as
A swinger. Oh fck.

2. While talking about politics and our parents
Sarah: in 2000, my dad put up a bush yard sign and my sister nearly had an aneurism. So the next day, mom went out and got a gore sign for the other side. Yeah, they stopped the signs after that year.

1. Jason: “The Birds” Barbie. I kid you not.

Me: And can Mattel © get noting right? I'm pretty sure when Tippi Hedron had 3 birds on her, she didn't look like she was about to go meet Ken for some drinks and a nooner. Sure, she wasn't that generation's greatest actress, but she was 35 times better than the face the Barbie is giving us right now. I guess this is why they have never made "Academy Awards" Barbie.

Jason: She does look very excited about being chomped on by birds.

Michele: I knew that. I used to get the catalog. I collect Barbie’s. They have many different themes. When you see it in the catalog it isn't that weird.

Jason: Disagree. No one getting attacked by birds should look this happy.

Michele: what? Disagree? It is a Barbie! I think it is funny. I don't have this one. Nor do I plan on getting it. But I do love Barbie. I guess that is a little known fact about me. They are in storage now b/c we don't have the space for such things.

Jason: I’m just saying I find this particular theme a little out of character for the Barbie line.

Michele: actually if you saw the catalog you would see that they do pretty much any female
character--even ones that don't look like "Barbie" like there are Lucille ball Barbie’s and they look like Lucy not Barbie. those are even weirder than "the birds." if you can believe it.

Then Jason and I went onto another tangent taking about the new Bond movie title in our own chain of emails, and I added this little jab

Me: And, Michele has lost her mind if she thinks that Birds Barbie is OK. True or False?

Jason: Agreed. Birds Barbie does not “make more sense” than a Lucy Barbie. Why? Because Lucy is a cultural icon and has admirable qualities, and is not portrayed in a life-threatening situation. Those birds killed people.

*** UPDATE: Discussed today (Dec. 23rd).
Jeanne: it is seriously impossible to do anything productive today
Me: Tell me about it. All I can think about it is going home and loading up my car, and leaving before the sleet starts. It's only 10:30 - gah.
Jeanne:what time are you leaving?
Me: Not unitl 5pm. A full effing day here in the office. It's going to be hell.
Jeanne: yeah i'm here all day today and tomorrow. i don't know how i'm going to do it. today i brought in cookies. tomorrow i may have to bring in smack.

Sent from a friend

2008-12-18T06:35:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure where this image came from - it showed up in my email inbox this morning from a friend. I imagine it's probably from stuffonmycat.com - b/c those people just LOVE to put stuff on cats. Anyway... here's what I think this little puss is thinking while staring off into the distance -

"My those crab boats are not coming in with as much cargo as they did last season. Remember seasons past Felix, when the seas were rough, and the catch was deadly - but we still had full pots and came home wealthy young bobtails? Those were the days Felix. Now, I just sit alone. Just me, my crab crown, and my memories."

An investment in your future

2008-11-21T12:31:00.000-08:00

If you want to buy something for under $10 that will change your life (in a minor major way), then might I suggest purchasing a fabric shaver at your local retailer? I have a neon green one that I picked from Kroger, and I love it. There are many pieces of clothing that you don't even realize get those little balls of fabric all over them until you buy said fabric shaver, and then you sort of form an addiction. Why, just yesterday I used it on my bedspread. It’s like I have a whole new comforter! I’m telling you people, it’s an investment that in these troubled times is well worth it.

It’s a sticker that says “We won’t ever be friends”

2008-11-05T14:23:00.000-08:00

aka, The Bumper Sticker
I don’t know anyone that has a bumper sticker on their car, and thank goodness. Because if I did, I would have to think long and hard about their life choices, and really help them through what is undoubtedly a difficult time period in their life. And then drive them to a hardware store for some kind of strong anti-adhesive agent.

The other day and friend of mine and I were walking back to my car after dining at El Business (I’m sure it wasn’t really called that, but it was some generic Mexican restaurant that brought you chips and salsa right away, and we had at least 3 different waiters), and she started walking toward a car with a bumper sticker. And it wasn’t just any bumper sticker, or even the ubiquitous little white oval that is ever so popular to the 18-35 set, it was a sticker that read “Love one Another”.

My friend actually thought that in the two weeks since she had seen me last that I had acquired and affixed a “Love one Another” bumper sticker to my vehicle. Shocking, I know. If a “Love one Another” bumper sticker were ever to adore anything I own, then the following rules would have to follow it:
1. But please from a safe distance from me.
2. And not in public

And, to date, my favorite bumper sticker so far has been “In case of Rapture, this truck will be empty”. Because there’s nothing Jesus likes more than self righteous a-holes that are already altering you to an accident that he will have caused but will not pay for, because he will mysteriously not be there to show up in court.

Lemons – The Devil’s Fruit

2008-11-04T14:10:00.001-08:00

I do not care for lemons. Mostly it’s the taste and smell. The shape, color, general lack of seeds, and smaller/shorter trees I can get behind (no one likes a fruit tree that’s really tall; what’s it doing way up there? Expect requiring us to use a ladder to get at its delicious crop? That’s a safety hazard. I’m looking at you apple trees).

But, back to lemons. They are sour. They smell funny. And they are in EVERYTHING! You can’t order a water these days without it showing up at your table with this vial garnish. Sometimes they even take it a step farther, and even put it in the water for you! And I can just see the lemon bits floating in my water, infecting it with it’s sour taste. If I wanted lemonade, I would order it. And it would be a pink-lemonade, because I would never order a lemonade (pink-lemonade tastes more pink than lemon, and that’s cool with me).

And sure, Wikipedia says that lemon is a good cleaning product. But that “fact” comes from some chick on “Shine”, some sort of Yahoo based women’s online magazine. So, can we really trust it? I’m not sure. Good thing you can buy Simply Green. Sure it’s not as “green” as just squeezing a lemon onto your kitchen counter and scrubbing away, but at least I know something colored green will never smell like a lemon! Maybe a lime, or a sour apple (but then, I’m mad at apples, so I don’t see if that would be any better).

Lemon candy: there are all kinds of lemon candy out there. And it comes in all kinds of packaging. Sometimes you can run across a lemon in a candy bag without even knowing it (please read that sentence with the dual meanings of lemon; it helps). Nothing is worse than when you eat a lemon jelly bean, starburst, or skittle by mistake; ruins everything.

In general, the world at large doesn’t like lemons; see Lemons Laws, “When the world hands you lemons, make lemonade”, the use of lemon to generally means a dud. But, I guess while no one likes to get a lemon, tons of people like to eat lemons.

Tons of people, except this lady. She hates them. So, if you’re out with me at a restaurant, I will always offer up my lemon to the table, you can always have the “yellows” in my bag of candy, and my house will never smell like it’s just been cleaned by a grove of lemons (I live in an urban apartment, not on a fruit farm in Florida).

Why working for The Man will lead to my downfall

2008-09-29T12:46:00.001-07:00

If you are a true lay about, apathetic, disaffected working stiff like myself you know that one of these days your bosses will get wise and you will get fired. They will realize that your email inbox has more personal emails than professional. That you’re not listening to music on those headphones of yours but indeed listening to/watching old episodes of “Arrested Development” on the internet and minimizing the window when they walk by. I do not work a minute past my required 40 hours per week, and the work I am doing in those 40 hours is 50% productive at best.

Here’s an outline of my personal email traffic today

o An email from a friend about how she was moving on in life, and was starting anew.
o A discussion about how boys can still be cool after they get married (examples, Matt and Shayne)
o A link to my friends new blog http://whyeverythingshouldbepink.blogspot.com/
o Does everyone have a blog? (yes – see: http://lifeincleveland.blogspot.com/ and http://iblamethepuritans.blogspot.com/)
o Facebook is for teenagers
o My friend’s baby is the size of an avocado (apparently onions are bigger than avocados)
o Guacamole is delicious
o Link sent of a clip from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” featuring Fred Savage (to back up a story told from over the weekend)
o Link to NPH’s guest spot on NPR’s “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” sent out (Fred is mentioned in the interview)
o Pictures received of NPH and John Stamos dressed as the emcee in Cabaret.
o Response: “NPH is the only person capable of rocking glitter nipple makeup”

Once you have received an email with “glitter nipple makeup” in the body of it, there is no way corporate IT hasn’t tagged you, and you aren’t on some kind of list somewhere.

Book Four: Breaking Dawn

2008-09-26T08:53:00.001-07:00

Opens with the wedding of Edward and Bella. Nothing bad happens - the whole thing goes off without a hitch, they leave for their honeymoon. It's a secluded island in the middle of the Pacific owned by Mr. Cullen. Um, K. (BTW, in the vampire world, vampires can go out in the sun, it doesn't kill them - it makes them shinny). They have a lovely honeymoon, right up until the part where Bella starts to feel ill and throw up all over the lovely villa. Turns out not all fluids inside a vampire are poison (hint hint, nudge nudge).

Bella is preggers! And the "baby" is growing at a much faster pace then a normal baby. And possibly killing her. Edward runs to the library to check out "What to Expect When Your Expecting A Vampire Baby", all copies have been checked out. Damn. To the bat cave! I mean the Cullen House. In the next few weeks Bella proceeds to get worse and worse with the baby growing faster and faster. No one can seem to figure out how to help her. They all want to kill the monster inside her, but Bella will have none of that. She's pro-life, who-knew? It's Jacob that finally suggests that it might be a good idea to feed a half vampire-baby blood - and the vampires in the room get 20 vampires point deducted from their scores for not coming up with that themselves. Thanks Benji.

Turns out it's a lot more fun to conceive and carry a half vampire-baby then it is to birth one (like human babies I imagine). In the birthing process, Bella dies - but that's OK because Edward is there to turn her into a vampire! That only took 2,000 pages. Apparently the sh*t is about to hit the fan, b/c newborn vampires are hard to control and essentially like wild animals. But turns out our little angsty Bella can't do anything typical, and she acts just like she did a few days ago. Oh, but she is super strong now and can have much better sex with Edward - so that's a plus (but since this book was written by a Mormon we don't get to read about any of those scenes).

Nessie, Edward and Bella's daughter continues to grow at an alarming rate, and within a few days starts waking and within a month - she can talk. Plus, Jacob has "imprinted" on her. Which is some werewolf bullsh*t term which basically means that they are soul mates, and he will protect her at all costs - oh and when she is old enough, he is going to marry her. I guess there goes THAT love triangle. "So, how did you meet my mom? Well, I was in love with her, and she was in love with me - but I love YOU now, I swear". Also, Nessie is going to be full grown in about a year or two and then stop aging and be immortal (too bad she will have to watch Jacob grown old and die, maybe that will be another series, dear god, please no)

Now that Bella is a vampire the powers that be have decided to come from Italy (first class of course) to come get her and her "power". Turns out Bella is a "shield" meaning that she can block all other powers that are basically mind tricks. I guess this is super cool, and TPTB really want her to be part of their club. Oh, and they want Edward (he can read minds) and Alice too (she can tell the future). No one wants to join this creepy club, and they decide to fight. There's a whole bunch of training scenes we are subjected to. And if we have learned nothing from the last three books - I think we all know that we don't really get a good fight scene. (Mormons don't really know how to write a good sex or fight scene, it's against their religion). They win, and everyone lives happily ever after.

Questions we are left with - So is Edward going to make Bella go to college now, because he sort of implied that? As*hole. Does anyone else think this "imprinting" concept is creepy? Are they going to turn all four books into movies, b/c I just don't see how the second book could be a stand alone film? Should I stop reading books intended for "young adults"? I can keep watching TV shows intended for that audience though right?

Book Three: Eclispe

2008-09-26T08:52:00.002-07:00

Background from Book One: A group of vampires came to visit the Cullen's and discovered Bella - and thought she smelled pretty darn good (I'm thinking at some point someone is going to make a perfume called "Bella", currently taking bets), then one of them started hunting her, and kidnapped her. Edward and the whole Cullen gang had to save her by killing this evil vampire. Probably should have mentioned that. (It's the main reason that Edward left in the second book).

Victoria comes a calling (she's pretty pissed that the Cullen's killed her boyfriend in the first book). She's decided that she's going to kill Bella and the Cullen's and pretty much anything that gets in her way. Seems like this could shape up for a pretty exciting book - fighting, actions scenes, maybe turning Bella into a vampire early so she's not a weak little mortal that trips over her own feet most of the time. And to make it even more exciting Victoria is creating newborn vampires all over Seattle as an "army" of her very own. From the descriptions, it all sounds very exciting. I'm imagining a battle much like something out of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or hell even Angel.

Sadly, we are subjected to mostly newspaper clippings of the slaughter and killings as Victoria doesn't show up in Forks until much much later in the book. Even though vampires can travel at super speeds, and from what I understand even Bella in her beat up rusty old truck can make it up and back to Seattle in a day. At least this gives us ample time for Bella to examine her feelings for Edward and Jacob - huzzah!

For most of the book Bella is yet again toying with Jacobs emotions by telling him that she loves him, but loves Edward more (so just to demonstrate, that's just a quarter turn to the left with the knife and for good measure just a pinch of salt). Edward is mostly telling Jacob that he is probably a better match for Bella (what with being alive and all), but that he will always love her more, and she him. It's all very torturous, and you really just want Jacob to rip them both apart with the super duper dog strength. But he never does. He just acts like a pissy b*tch most of the time. God I hate teenagers.

Ultimately the vampires and the werewolves burry the hatchet and decided that Victoria and the her Pips need to be put down, so they band together to kill them, kill them all. Which they do. And then Edward and Bella can now get down to the business of sending out wedding invitations, because you know nothing ruins wedding planning like a bloodthirsty demon bent on revenge.

Thoughts for the next book... Will Jacob ever grow a pair? Why am I still reading these books? Good thing there is only one of them left.

Book Two: New Moon

2008-09-26T08:52:00.001-07:00

Bella turns 18. Edward decides that she's better off without him, and he runs away. For the next 150 pages she mopes around pining for Edward (oh, and builds a motorcycle with Jacob, who proceeds to fall in love with her over motor oil and rainy day fun). Bella finds no comfort in toying with Jacobs emotions so she decides to actually jump off a cliff. She survives. Damn.

However - back in the Cullen house, Alice (the one that can see the future); saw that Bella would jump off a cliff - and jumped to the wrong conclusion (ha, ha, I'm so funny) - and thought that Bella had committed suicide. She instantly went to find Edward, without getting the whole story - stupid Alice. Edward then read Alice's mind, and freaked the hell out, thinking that Bella was dead. Edward then fleas to Italy to ask the powers that be of the vampire world to kill him b/c he no longer wants to live. Give me a break.

Alice realizes she has caused this whole situation by misusing her "jump to conclusion mat" (patent pending) and decides to fly her and Bella to Italy first class for their "save Edward campaign". Which they do, just in the nick of time. But not before the powers that be decide that they are really intrigued by Bella and some sort of power that she posses and make a deal that she has to either be turned into a vampire by the end of the year, or they will kill her themselves. Don-don don....

Oh, and at the end of the book Edward proposes to Bella. And says that he 1. won't sleep with her until after they are married and 2. won't turn her into a vampire until after they are married. And Bella who wants BOTH of these things actually has to think about her answer because she doesn't want to be a teenage bride. But being a teenage immortal is totally fine with her. She's dumb and illogical.

So, at the end of this book - here's is what we are left to wonder. Why is Bella such a retard? Why is Edward so old fashioned? What is this power that Bella posses? And did I leave the iron plugged in? Oh, and seriously - there is a pack of werewolves that live at the edge of town, and Jacob is the heir apparent? Really? Come on.

Book One: Twilight

2008-09-26T08:51:00.000-07:00

Bella Swan is a young girl that lives in Phoenix, but doesn't have many friends, and doesn't tan well. So when her mom remarries a minor league baseball player and wants to relocate to Florida, Bella decides to go live with her dad in dreary Washington state. There, she meets the mysterious Edward Cullen, who at first seems to be the only boy in school not wanting to carry Bella's books home from school. One icy morning Bella is almost hit by a car that is careening out of control, but just in the nick of time Eddie is there to protect her with his abs of steel, literally. Turns out Edward is vampire.

That's right kids - but don't worry, he's a good vampire, he only eats bunnies and kittens, not babies. His whole "family" are "vegetarian" vampires (although I don't really see how you can call them that, I mean aren't they just carnivores, or non-cannibals; I digress). Either way, Edward is dreamy, and Bella is TOTALLY in love with him, and she's willing to over look the whole, "I drink blood to stay alive thing". And Edward is in love with Bella too; or he just really loves the way she smells. Their whole "courtship" is obsessive and over the top, and if this weren't a book about vampires - I would say that Bella's father should take a restraining order out against Edward and Bella should date nice normal Mike. But she doesn't, and so teenage girls of America are left to wonder at the end of the book - will Edward turn Bella into a vampire? Will Edward and Bella get married? Will Jacob ever stop whining? And the adult women of America are left to wonder at the end of the book - is there a more adult version of these books I can read, because, come on? This girl is only 17, calm down already. Should I admit I just read a book I found in the young adult section? How many more of these do I have to read?

My forray into the world of "young adult" fiction

2008-09-26T08:45:00.000-07:00

I recently got caught up inthe fever that was the Twilight series. For anyone out there that is wondering - what the hell are these books all about, but don't have the time or inclination to read over 2,500 pages of teenage angst and vampire drama Here is a summary of the series.

I am not a pet person

2008-08-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

Growing up we had pets. We've had a few cats and multiple dogs over the years - but living on my own I just can't see the point of a pet. And the older I get, the more I just don't get it. They shed, they shit in the house (and not in the toilet), they are in your house all day long yet don't cook, clean, or do your laundry - what is the point of a pet? It’s not that I hate animals – and I certainly don’t get an urge to kick puppies or anything. Many of my friends have pets, and that works for them. I just don’t think it can work for me.

In the same way I can’t take care of plants either. I can’t ever remember to water them. Every plant I’ve ever had in my house has died on its way toward the light (you know, that creepy thing that plants do where they all grow to the light source, like they’re alive or something, creepy).

In 2005 a roommate of mine went out of town for an extended period of time and asked me to feed her fish and water her plants, and she gave me instructions on her way out. I promptly forgot the exact instructions, but remembered some of the details. The conversation below will illustrate how I am neither a pet OR plant person.

Me: Hey Jason, Christine left and I have to take care of her plants and fish
Jason: Oh no.
Me: Yeah. So she told me that I have to feed/water one every day and one every third day, and I don’t remember which is which, can you help me?

If I had a BB gun

2008-08-18T08:49:00.001-07:00

If I had a BB gun I would have shot it at the guys outside my apartment last night that were skateboarding at 10:45pm on a Sunday night.

Don’t get my wrong; I’m not the type of girl that doesn’t like skateboarders. In fact I think if you are a 13 year old boy practicing some tricks in the street on or the sidewalk, or maybe in the park so that when you grow up maybe you can compete in the greatest of all sporting events: the Xgames – I’m all for it.

But if you are a man in your early 20s and riding a skateboard at 10:45 at night and all you are doing is going from the sidewalk to the street and then back onto the sidewalk and not even attempting any grabs, flips or turns. Then you risk the chance of getting shot in the thigh by someone with a BB gun. Because you are a douchebag.

Colors of Ford Mustangs

2008-07-23T12:33:00.001-07:00

“Douchebag” Yellow
“Asshole” Steel
“Night Surprise” Black
“Firecrotch” Red
“My dad wouldn’t buy me the red one” White
"Silver Bullet" Gray - easily killed by any radar gun

All are available with the optional “Look at me” racing stripe.

It’s 100% of what you want

2008-07-23T12:32:00.001-07:00

http://www.switchbev.com/
Has anyone tried this drink? I received a sample as a promotion. I didn’t drink it when I realized it wasn’t an energy drink. (At the time I was very sleepy and driving, so I was hoping this weird new drink I had received had some caffeine in it. When I discovered it was just carbonated juice, I almost threw it out the window in anger.) I later offered to a friend, who pointed out the slogan on the can, “100% of what you want, and 0% of what you don’t”.

I’m getting all kinds of mileage out of this slogan. For example:
I am 0% interested in what I do for a living today.
I have done 0% of billable work today
Work is 100% of what I don’t want.
A brownie sundae is 100% of what I want.

UPDATE: I went over to my sister's house for dinner, and she went to the grocery store yesterday and bought a Betty Crocker single serving microwave brownie. She didn't even know that I was craving brownies! So, I got my brownie sundae after all.

Trashy Vampires

2008-07-17T14:25:00.000-07:00

I don’t know who’s to blame for this sub-genre of books, movies and tv shows out there that are basically trashy vampire stories – but someone started it, and has since disappeared into the darkness. Ever since I became mildly obsessed with the show “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, I have given almost every vampire related story a chance. Upon further reading (and viewing) one comes to realize a few basic “facts” when it comes to vampire stories.

1. Apparently all members of the undead are ridiculously beautiful.
2. All vampires are alluring and mysterious
3. Most vampires don’t want to kill you; they just want someone to be in a relationship with and to loooove.
4. They all have long fingernails for some reason

Here’s a re-cap of the various trashy vampire series that I have watched
Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Pretty young girl has a mythical responsibility to protect humans from the things that go bump in the night. She feels alone and sad, but at the same time has a bit of a god complex and has more friends than I do. Every season there was some mysterious “big bad” that she had to fight and ultimately defeat (which she always did). Oh, and just to complicate things further – her two greatest loves are vampires. Awesome Show.

Angel
A spin-off from Buffy. Angel is Buffy’s greatest love, but ultimately the relationship is doomed, because he’s a vampire and she’s supposed to kill vampires (epic love story I tell ya). Anyway, he moves to LA to protect humanity and become even hotter. Oh, and there is also this pretty young girl that he falls in love with, but learning from the Buffy debacle, does nothing about. Pretty good show, although I don’t own it on DVD so that should tell you something.

Moonlight
Pretty young girl has a strange connection with a handsome vampire that feels a responsibility to protect humans from those bumpy things in the night. He feels alone and sad, and is in love with the PYT but can’t act on it because, well because he’s a vampire (it’s like a broken record with these undead dudes). The show got canceled, so we shall never know what happens. Terrible Show.

Blood Ties
Pretty older woman (uh oh) is a former cop and feels the need to still fight crime. She somehow ends up fighting supernatural crime with a vampire as her go-to guy/sidekick (although I’m not sure you can call a killer a sidekick, but whatever). She is mouthy and controlling. The vampire just really wants to stop playing cops and robbers for one second to maybe give her a kiss, but she’s too busy hitting people with a billy club. The show was on Lifetime. I think that says enough.

I’ve just learned from IMDB that there are two other shows out there, “Forever Knight” and “Vampire High”. Forever Knight sounds like Moonlight for the 1980s crowd (but probably a bit better b/c it lasted 3 seasons), and I’m hoping that Vampire High is like Dawson’s Creek but at night; and you can watch the show on YouTube. Yea! (These last two were Canadian, so I’m conflicted. The last time I got wrapped up in a Canadian show I was forced to watch the acting of a young Hayden Christensen.)

I have read three book serials so far. The Twilight Series (first book is now a movie), The Southern Vampires Series (now made into a series on HBO), and the Blood Books (the Blood Ties show was based on these books). I’ll get to those later as my work day has ended, and if I’m going to keep posting things, I’m going to get paid for it.

Things distracting me from my day job.

2008-07-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

1. The interweb. Mainly imdb, mamapop, tvguide, wikipedia, television without pity and npr
In the last few hours I have learned that Peter Finch died shortly after making Network, coffee drinkers are WAY too high strung, Zac Braff is leaving Scrubs at the end of this season, There was an experiment called the Standford Prision project in which a group of 24 students participated in a mock prision and after 2 days there was a riot (and not a mock riot either), and the Zoe Deschanel has put out an album.

2. Personal Emails: my 4 friends and I send about 50 emails per day amongst us.
Currently we are debating the merits of themed bridal showers

3. My total lack of a work ethic
This might be what hurts me the most.

4. Business related training sessions
The last one I just “participated” in allowed me to take a quick nap at my desk, see above.

The Secret Shame of an American Television Viewer

2008-07-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

I will pretty much watch anything on television. Crap or not, or even shows gear toward my age bracket. I have no filter. Unless it’s a CBS sitcom or law drama; I’ve seen at least one episode. (That Law and Order noise makes me cringe). In the wake of the writer’s strike and the TV suckfest that is summer programming, we have been graced with a new show called “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”

It’s about a 15 yr old girl that finds out she’s pregnant – and has to deal with it all while facing the reality that her mom looks an awful lot like Molly Ringwald. Too bad they can’t sit down together and watch “For Keeps” to learn what to do when you find your self “in the family way” while still in high school. Here’s a tip: Don’t marry your leading man – his acting career will go no where after filming is complete.

I watched the first two episodes of this show online. (PS, I love watching shows online. Less commercials, and you can watch them at work – and I DO love to multitask). Here’s the set-up. Amy is bedded by the school man-whore while away at band camp. Already I’m having trouble believing this story… a kid in the band is the school’s sexual dynamo? Um, OK. I’ll go with it ABC Family because Brenda Hampton is the captain of this ship, and we all know she’s a little off when it comes to teenagers and sex (anyone else remember when the characters on 7th Heaven kept referring to sex as “adult relations?”, I think it was right after that episode that Jessica Biel posed for Maxim and let it be known she was up for all kinds of adult relations if only they would let her out of her contract).

Anyway, back at Wholesome High, Amy is all freaked out because she definitely saw a double line. And she’s decided to take the best approach by simply ignoring that she’s pregnant and pretending nothing ever happened (la-la-la-la, I can’t hear you little baby). Good thinking Amy. I’m sure this approach will work right up until the producers force your character to go to a pool party where your attendance and participation is somehow required and your absence will be recorded and remembered forever. I suggest a sarong.

There are other characters in the show – presumably because the show is called “THE American Teenager” not “AN American Teenager”. But there stories are annoying and difficult watch. Take the Christian couple. The cute little blond cheerleader is telling her cute blond football player boyfriend that they can’t have sex until they get married, and they can’t get married before they finish HS, college, and law school. Law school, really? You got me again Brenda, but I’ll go with it. To bad the quarterback doesn’t seem too keen on keeping it in his pants, and will probably contract VD before the next pep rally.

There is a young man that apparently has the hots for Amy, and will do whatever it takes to get close to her. And I’m pretty sure this character has a completely different writing staff than the rest of the cast, because he is actually clever and has a quick wit. The rest of them sound like they’re reading from a lost 7th Heaven script.

The man-whore is in therapy and apparently was sexually abused as a child; which is probably why he acts out in this manner. Well, great. Now I feel bad for him. But at the same time, I could care less about his addiction which is a direct result of his upbringing (much in the same way I couldn’t stand Marissa Cooper’s alcoholism and Jessie Spano’s “drug” problem).

There are some side stories about the parents that no one cares about, and some quick scenes with Josie Bisset (she’s bound to steal someone’s husband by the end of the show).

All in all, it’s a terrible show. Clearly I am not the target audience. However, I’m sure that I will probably watch a few more episodes, and be slightly upset when the show concludes the season right after the Homecoming game when the shit will inevitably hit the fan for ALL the characters, and Amy’s water will break.

Fox News has forced me to get a blog.

2008-07-14T06:03:00.000-07:00

My father: LB, what is a “blog”?
me: It’s shorthand for a web-log, like a diary on the internet
My father: A what?
me: A web-log.
My father: What’s the point, what are they for?
me: For people who don’t get enough attention, and want to share their thoughts with strangers
My father: So, why would Fox News have one?

I have two good friends that have blogs, and a few other friends that also maintain personal blogs. I don’t truly feel that these people are attention wh0res, but at the time, it seemed like an easy way to answer my father’s question. Then he threw in that Fox News detail and I realized that blogs are everywhere, and everyone has them. And so, I’ve finally give in. Not sure what this blog will be for, or what I will post about; but here’s hoping that it doesn’t interfere with my day job.

**fingers crossed**